(theme music) ♪ Thank you.

(applause) Thank you.

Welcome!

Thank you.

Hey, listen.

(shouting) Ow!

Woo!

(shouting) Well!

I'll go out and come in again.

That was...

Listen, hey, we got a good show for you tonight.

We have, along with Peter Matz and our marvelous orchestra, our regular group of zanies, Harvey Korman and Vicki Lawrence and Tim Conway.

(applause) And our special guest this evening is a lady I love.

All of us love her a whole lot on this show.

She's, uh, she's got a little bit of talent.

Uh, she... She won an Academy Award not too long ago for a marvelous movie, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie.

Brilliant actress, Miss Maggie Smith.

(applause) (applause continues) Okay, gang!

Let's see, let's have a little pat-and-chat time.

-Yeah!

-Do you have a twin sister or a sister at all?

(Carol) Yes, I do.

I have a twin sister, yeah.

How did you know?

(woman) Well, now the only reason I ask is because on one of your shows, it just looked like it.

(Carol) Oh, no, that's Raquel Welch.

(laughter) Yeah.

Yes.

(unintelligible) (woman) ...important to know that we have Miss California '73-'74 with us.

Miss California is with you?

Stand up, Miss California.

Oh, she's lovely.

Oh!

-Yes, sir.

-Who is your dress designer?

Oh, I get everything from White Front.

(laughter) Oh, our dress designer is, I think, the most talented young gentleman in the whole field of designing, Mr. Bob Mackie.

And he, uh, yes.

-Yes, he dresses Cher, too.

-Oh.

(laughter) Somehow, it just doesn't seem to come out the same way, but he's wonderful.

He does all of the costumes on our show, I mean, even the really silly ones, you know, like this.

Um... Oh, there it is.

-Yes!

-How old are you?

(man) Uh-oh.

That's all the time we have for questions.

How old do you think I am?

Be careful.

(laughter) "Old enough."

Yeah, you're right there.

Okay, we got a big show for you tonight, so don't go away, we'll be right back.

(applause) ♪ (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood, it's The Carol Burnett Show... ♪ ...with Harvey Korman... ♪ ...Vicki Lawrence... ♪ ...and Tim Conway.

♪ (applause fades) (bluesy jazz music) ♪ (humming) (knocking) -Who is it?

-Flowers for you, Miss Mundane.

(Carol) Oh, come in, dear.

(man) Compliments of the producer.

(Carol) Just put them over there on the table.

(man) Oh, and, uh, good luck to you and your husband tonight.

(Carol) Oh, thank you, darling.

Good.

Dragon lady is not here yet.

Coast is clear.

Entrez, my dear.

(Maggie) Oh!

Oh, Alfred!

Oh, Alfred.

Oh!

(applause) Oh, this will be a simply heavenly engagement.

We'll be magnificent together.

(Harvey) I know, it's a pity the rest of the cast won't be up to our standards.

(Maggie) When was the last time we played together?

(Harvey) How could you forget?

It was at the May Fair Hotel in Piccadilly.

(Maggie) Oh, I remember.

As I recall, it was one of your better performances.

(chuckling) Oh, tell me.

Tell me, does the beast of Broadway know about us?

(Harvey) No, the simp doesn't suspect a thing.

(knocking) -Ten minutes!

-Oh!

I must be into my costume.

(Harvey) Darling, remember, you must be extra magnificent this evening.

C.B.

DiCoppola is in the audience, and if we're really good, it's off to Hollywood with us as a team.

(Maggie) You and I a movie team.

(Harvey) Yes, they're thinking of us for Pete 'n' Tillie Part Two.

(Maggie) Oh!

(Harvey) Well, you better get ready.

(Maggie) Even a moment away from you is anguish.

(Harvey) Later, my darling.

(moaning) Oh, uno momento, my sweet.

I bought these flowers for you.

(Maggie) Beloved.

Oh!

(Harvey) Break a leg, my darling!

(door closes) (laughter) (door closes) (laughter) (majestic music) ♪ (applause) (applause) (laughing) (applause fades) Oh, Pamela, my love, you've made me the happiest man in the world.

Just think that soon I shall be married to the sweetest, loveliest, sunniest, gayest girl in all of Connecticut.

(laughter) (Carol) Oh, Wembley, words cannot express the way I feel about you.

(Harvey) Ah!

Cupid's arrow, how it stings!

Darling, I hunger for your touch.

(Carol) Oh, kiss me, Wembley.

(Harvey) Ooh!

I never knew it could be like this.

(Carol) Oh, yes, darling, it can.

Oh, again, and again, and again.

(pounding) (Harvey) No more kissy-kissy now, dear.

(laughter) Mother will be here soon.

(Carol) Oh, I'm so anxious to meet her.

(Harvey) Pamela, this is very difficult for me to say.

(groaning) We must have Mother's consent before the nuptials.

You know how much she means to me.

(Carol) Yes, I certainly do.

(doorbell rings) (Harvey) Oh, that must be Mother now.

(laughter) Mumsy!

Come in, dear.

(applause) -Wembley, my son!

-Nice to see you, Mumsy.

Mumsy, I'd like you to meet my intended, Pamela.

-Charmed.

-Oh, it's my pleasure, Mumsy.

(fingers crunching) (Harvey) May I--may I take your things, Mumsy?

(Maggie) Oh, yes, it would be good to sit down.

My feet are killing me.

(Harvey) There.

You must be exhausted after your long journey.

-How about a spot of tea?

-Oh, I'd love some.

-Yes, I'll pour.

-No, no, I'll pour.

-Ahh!

-Ahh!

(laughter) Well, that hit the spot.

(laughter) -Would you like more?

-No!

I...

I believe...

I believe I'll pour.

-Thank you, precious.

-Thank you.

So, you're Pamela.

(Carol) Yes, I am, Mumsy, although some people call me "the beast of Broadway."

(Harvey) Mm!

That's hot!

(laughter) That's hot.

(Maggie) Oh!

Oh, so, Wembley, this is the girl you're going to marry.

Let me have a close look at her.

(Carol) Oh, I do hope Mumsy approves, Wembley.

I want to be your wife more than anything-- (toes crunching) (Harvey) Isn't it wonderful, Pamela?

-Mother has consented.

-Oh, yes.

And in token of my approval, I have a little gift for you.

(Harvey) A gift?

How wonderful, Mumsy.

-How generous of you.

-Thank you.

(Harvey) They're lovely.

(Maggie) Come over here, Pamela, dear.

(clears throat) (laughter) (Carol) Aren't those the Swiverton diamonds?

(Maggie) Yes, they've been in our family for generations.

-I'll put them on.

-Thank you, Mumsy.

Argh!

(Harvey) My, what a lovely necklace.

Actually, it's more of a choker.

Well, this calls for a celebration.

I think I'll go get the bubbly.

(Maggie) Yes, could you tell me where you little...ahh!

(toes crunching) ...lovebirds are getting married?

(Carol) Yes, yes, we're going to be married at the little church around the corner.

Perhaps you would like to see it, Mumsy.

(Maggie) I'm afraid my eyesight isn't what it used to be.

-Oh, really?

-Oh.

I don't think I can see it from here.

(Carol) You can't see it from there, dear?

-No, Pamela.

-Here, let me help you.

(shattering) (laughter) (Maggie) Pamela, dear, would you get me my glasses?

-They're in my purse.

-Your glasses?

Where are they, dear?

(Maggie) In my purse, Pamela!

(Carol) In your purse.

Oh, right.

Oh, I'd forgotten how nearsighted you told me that your Mumsy is.

(Maggie) I do hope this wedding will go off with all the family tradition of splendid dignity and good taste.

(laughter) (Harvey) No, Pamela, it's not going to be just my family there.

I mean, your side of the family is going to be there, too.

-Your side.

-Yes, we shall see a lot of new faces.

(Maggie) Yes.

(laughter) I'm sure it will all go off splendidly.

(Harvey) Let's have a toast, you say?

(Maggie) Oh, no!

Not those glasses.

Wembley, no, we must have the finest family crystal for this occasion.

It's over here in the Chippendale cabinet.

(Carol) Oh, Mumsy, do let me help you.

(Maggie) Oh, thank you, Pamela.

(gasping, shattering) (Maggie) Excuse me, Pamela.

(crunching, clinking) (Harvey) Well, here we go.

(Carol) Aren't you going to propose a toast, darling?

-Yes, a toast.

-Yes.

-To love.

-To health.

(fizzing) (Maggie) To trust.

(Carol) Till death do us part.

(exploding) (screaming) (pounding) (shouting) (applause) (horn music) ♪ (applause fades) Hey, gang.

Vicki's got a new record out now and it's just marvelous, and she's gonna sing it for us tonight.

Our own Vicki Lawrence!

(applause) (uplifting music) ♪ ♪ I'm up early every Monday morning ♪ ♪ There's some laundry to do ♪ ♪ ♪ I'm emptying out his pockets while the kids go off to school ♪ ♪ ♪ And then I see the letter ♪ ♪ And my heart just breaks in two ♪ ♪ ♪ It's another woman's writing ♪ ♪ Saying "Baby, I love you" ♪ ♪ Well, ten years of being married to him ♪ ♪ I haven't let myself let down ♪ ♪ ♪ So I make a quick appointment to do some work at the gym downtown ♪ ♪ What a shock to finally find out that my nicest dress don't fit ♪ ♪ So I sit down at my mirror and I get out my makeup kit ♪ ♪ ♪ The other woman is in for the fight of her life ♪ ♪ I've loved him too much and too long to have him taken away ♪ ♪ ♪ Oh, that would be the day ♪ ♪ I'm gonna bury the hurt ♪ ♪ Gonna get down to work ♪ ♪ Roll up my sleeves and be what he needs ♪ ♪ A lover at night ♪ ♪ Oh, and not just a wife ♪ ♪ You bet your life ♪ ♪ I'm gonna keep him ♪ ♪ Well, I read the daily papers, and we discuss the latest news ♪ ♪ ♪ And I love him each and every night just the way that I used to do ♪ ♪ ♪ Well, sometimes it just takes giving to get something back again ♪ ♪ Now there'll never be another woman ♪ ♪ And a whole new life begins ♪ ♪ ♪ The other woman is in for the fight of her life ♪ ♪ I've loved him too much and too long to have him taken away ♪ ♪ ♪ Oh, that would be the day ♪ ♪ I'm gonna bury the hurt ♪ ♪ Gonna get down to work ♪ ♪ Roll up my sleeves and be what he needs ♪ ♪ A lover at night ♪ ♪ Oh, and not just a wife ♪ ♪ You bet your life ♪ ♪ The other woman is in for the fight of her life ♪ ♪ I've loved him too much and too long to have him taken away ♪ (applause, cheering) (majestic horn music) ♪ (applause) ♪ (applause continues) (laughter) (feedback tone resonates) (laughter) Loyal subjects, your king and your queen welcome you.

(laughter) We are gathered here together for the christening of this newest addition to our Royal Navy.

We are privileged to have with us on this great occasion our country's most remarkable hero, the man whose name is emblazoned on the bow--bow of this proud ship, -Private Arthur Newberry.

-Hear, hear.

(woman) Hear, hear.

(applause) (Carol) Private Newberry is accompanied by his friend... (laughter) ...a Miss Bowgrow.

-Over the... -Begging your pardon, ma'am, that's Boughgrough.

-Oh, sorry.

-Oh, nobody's perfect, ma'am.

(laughter) Private Newberry is accompanied by his friend, Miss Beargraph.

-Over the... -Begging your pardon, ma'am.

It's Boughgrough.

(Carol) Bowgrough.

(Maggie) Yeah, B-O-U-G-H-G-R-O-U-G-H. -Boughgrough.

-Belgraph.

-Yeah.

-Belgraph.

-No, bough.

-Bow.

-Bough.

-Bow.

-No, bough.

-Bel.

-Boughgrough.

-Bel.

(Maggie) Boughgrough.

You've nearly got it, it's-- (Harvey) Psst... -Oh, excuse me.

-Yeah, you go right ahead.

(laughter) (Harvey) Why don't you just use her first name?

(Carol) Good idea.

Accompanied by his friend, Gwendolspire.

(laughter) (Maggie) Beg your pardon, ma'am, it's Gwendolspire.

-It's Gwendols... -No, Gwendolspire.

No, it's Gwendolspire, really.

-Excuse me again.

-Yes, certainly.

(Carol) Yes.

-Let me handle it.

-Yes, I wish you would.

(laughter) (whooshing) Private Newberry is accompanied by his friend... (Maggie) Gwendolsphire Boughgrough.

(laughter) (applause) (Carol) So, wi--so, without further ado, I hereby christen this ship the HMS Private Newberry.

(Tim) Hey, lady, what do you think you're doing?

I'm going to hit the ship with the bottle.

(Tim) You ain't hitting my ship.

Young man, I'm going to hit the ship with this bottle.

You try that and I'll shove this bottle up your nose.

(laughter) (Harvey) Psst!

(laughter) (Harvey) What did he say?

(Carol) He said he was going to shove this bottle up my nose.

(Harvey) Tell him we can get other bottles.

(laughter) (Carol) Young man, we can get other bot-- (laughter) -You talk to him.

-Why should anybody talk to him?

Why do we have to name this bloody ship after him at all?

(Carol) Don't you know who he is?

He's that hero fellow who swallowed a live hand grenade before it went off and saved his entire platoon.

That young man has no internal organs.

He's completely hollow.

(Harvey) Hey, this is the king you're talking to, not Huntz Hall.

(laughter) (Carol) I'll prove it.

Hello?

(echoing) See?

(Harvey) Well, I'll be dipped in porridge.

(laughter) -Pardon me, ma'am.

-Oh, excuse me, I don't know if you've met the king.

This is Gwendol... (mumbling).

(Maggie) Hello, sailor.

(laughter) I just... (laughter continues) Look, I just want you to know I want this thing to go off all right just as much as you do.

You can bet your bloomers on it.

If I knew it was gonna be one of his wacky days, I'd have sorted him out before we got here.

(Harvey) Now hold on, I've got an idea.

-Yes?

-You're a very attractive woman and though it's hard to believe he is human, perhaps he might succumb to some feminine enticement.

(Carol) Oh, good idea.

(laughter) -Psst!

-Yes?

Not you.

Her.

(laughter) (Maggie) I think if you just give me a few moments with him, I might be able to, you know, reason with him.

(Carol) Oh, it's worth a try.

(Maggie) Hello, Artie.

-Hi, Gwendolspire.

-"Spear."

-Hm?

Oh.

-It's all right, Artie.

You can call me anything you like.

Yeah, Artie, do you remember the first night you came up to my flat, the first time?

You even opened up that bottle of sparkling Burgundy -you bought me.

-Yeah.

(Maggie) Remember how the bubbles tickled my nose, and you tickled the rest of me?

-Yeah.

-Well, you remember how we wanted to get more comfortable?

So I let down my hair and my Murphy bed.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, well, wasn't that fun?

-It sure was.

-Well, you remember how you've been saying you've been trying to save up to do that again?

(laughter) Well, Artie, you can do it again if you'll just let this nice lady hit the ship with the bottle.

(Tim) Oh, I, uh... Well... You tell that lady that she can take the bottle and stick it in her ear.

(thump, clank) (Maggie) Listen, you empty-bodied boob, I spent my last shilling on this dress, I've had my toenails painted and everything, come all the way down from bleeding London to stand by this bloody smelly ocean, and you say she can't hit the ship with the bottle?

(thump, clank) Let the ol' bat hit the ship with the bottle, Artie!

(laughter) (Tim) Well... (clearing throat) I've changed my mind.

You can hit the ship with the bottle.

(Carol) Thank you.

I christen thee the HMS Private Newberry.

(Tim) Uh...

Wait a minute, I don't like that name.

(Carol) Well, that is your name, isn't it?

(Tim) Well, yeah, but it's not the name that all my friends call me.

(Carol) Well, for heaven sakes, what name do you want?

Stinky.

(laughter) (Carol) Stinky?

Stinky, you say?

Young man, throughout history, the names of ships have reflected the proud heritage of the sea.

Now you have your Mayflower, you have your Yankee Clipper, you have your Constitution and your Enterprise.

There is not a Stinky in that bunch!

I mean, how would it have looked if Christopher Columbus had discovered the colony sailing on the Niña, the Pinta, and the Stinky?

(echoing) What it boils down to is this, you hollow-hulled halfwit!

You can have your Mayflower, you can have your beautiful Queen, you can have your Pride of the Sea, but you cannot have your Stinky!

(echoing) Shut up!

(clank) Therefore, I christen this ship the HMS Newberry!

(Tim) Over my dead body.

(shattering, clank) (clank) (applause) (horn music) ♪ (applause continues) (theme music) (announcer) Stay tuned for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

♪ And, now, back for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

♪ (ominous music) (intense music) (ominous music) ♪ (man) Somewhere in the uncharted sewers of the city lives a creature who for thousands of years has defied evolution, a perfect eating machine whose habits are virtually unknown to scientists and whose attacks are totally unpredictable.

Practically all that is known about him is that for no apparent reason and with no logic whatsoever, he sometimes makes his way through the pipes of apartment houses, consuming everything that gets in the way of his voracious jowls.

♪ (gasping, screaming) (intense music) (indistinct chatter) This is Hunter Wheatley, Channel 6 News, standing in front of the seemingly innocent brownstone which, since this morning, has been riddled with rumors of a killer sewer shark running rampant through the plumbing.

With me is the superintendent of the building, Wally Fuhrman, and Miss, uh... (Vicki) Helen Wills, Fishfinder.

I'm with the City Water Department, Plumbing Disasters Division.

(Hunter) Could you tell us something about this so-called sewer shark?

(Tim) Now just a minute.

Hold on just a minute now.

This happens to be a rumor, and I'm not closing down my apartment building just because of some lousy rumor.

(Vicki) Rumor?

I inspected Mrs. Morgan's bathtub myself, and this was all I found, a half-eaten rubber duck.

(Tim) Uh, okay, there was a fish, but we happen to have caught that fish that ate Mrs. Morgan, and as a matter of fact, I--I got it right here.

(Vicki) That could not possibly be the fish that ate Mrs. Morgan.

(Tim) Are you kidding?

Listen to this.

(belching) (laughter) (Vicki) Well, that does it, I'm closing this building down before the sewer shark strikes again.

(Tim) Wait a minute, wait a minute, not so fast here.

Now hold everything.

I sent for the one guy who can handle this whole problem.

Quint.

He's the great Roto-Rooter man.

(Vicki) You mean the one with the silver plunger?

(Tim) That's right, and he'll be here any moment.

Quint, by golly.

(Vicki) He's coming now.

(indistinct chatter) (screeching) (Hunter) This is Hunter Wheatley signing off.

(officer) All right, let's break it up.

Let's move along, come on.

Move along.

(Harvey) So...

It's a plumbing problem you got, huh?

Must be a bad one if you called for old Quint.

It's all right, I like 'em bad.

Sewage is in my blood.

(laughing) All right now, just what is the problem?

(Vicki) A sewer shark.

(laughter) All right.

Come on, let's hit that porcelain.

♪ Oh, I love to go plumbing ♪ ♪ Where the water is running ♪ ♪ And play ring around the tub ♪ (laughing) (ominous music) ♪ All right.

Hold this a minute.

This ought to take care of the devil.

(Tim) How are you gonna get it to come up?

(Harvey) Bait.

Hand me one of them worms in that can there.

(Tim) Oh.

Ooh.

Ah, ick.

-Ew!

-Ew!

Yuck.

(Harvey) What have we got here?

Sissies for a crew?

Better turn your backs while I hook 'em up.

Ick.

Blegh!

All right.

Stand by.

(clicking) (laughter) You better strap me in.

(grunting) That's it.

Ah.

♪ La-da-da-dee-da, da-la-la-la-la ♪ -Now what?

-We wait.

We wait for him to take the bait.

♪ La-da-da-dee-da, dee-da-dee-dee-dee ♪ (Vicki) What's that scar you got there?

(Harvey) Where?

Here?

That's a boo-boo.

(laughter) (Vicki) How'd you get that?

Off the Florida Keys in '44.

Me and this little lass I met in a bar there were out fishing for shark.

We were out there for three days when it hit.

(Vicki) The shark?

No, the wife.

(laughter) Came right on board and bit me in the leg.

(Tim) Uh, you know something?

I lost a girlfriend to the sharks.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Out in Hawaii.

She was sitting on the front of a sailboat, jumped off and tried to swim to shore.

Got about 40 yards from shore and, then, a big white hit her.

She'd have made it, too, if she hadn't been wearing her good luck ham.

(laughter) (laughter continues) Shh!

♪ (Harvey) He's coming!

Grab the harpoon!

Get out!

Come on, you devil!

(shouting) Come on!

(shouting) -I lost him!

-Wow!

Did you see the size of that thing?

Boy, if we're gonna catch him, we're gonna need a bigger toilet.

(laughter) (Vicki) Quint, this is no ordinary shark.

(Harvey) You're right.

Any shark that can tie a sheepshank can't be fooled with.

(Vicki) That does it.

I'm closing down this building right now.

(Harvey) You're what?

You're not going anywhere!

(laughter) Nobody leaves this room!

That shark is mine.

(gulping) (coughing) (Tim) Uh, excuse me, let me help you here.

(water whooshing) (laughter, clapping) (clanking) (laughter) -You were running a bit there.

-Okay.

-Thanks, mate!

-Right!

(Vicki) So now what do we do?

(Harvey) We got to use bigger bait!

We need something short, fat, and stupid!

(laughter) (Tim) Hold on, wait a minute, you can't get me down there -with a killer shark.

-Just hold that.

-But I... -All right.

Get in the tub!

(Tim) Uh, could we talk this over?

(Harvey) No!

Let's go!

I'll get him!

I'll get him.

Now come on, you devil.

Come on, take the bait.

Take that bait, you devil.

Take it, come on!

(growling) (intense music) ♪ (indistinct chatter) (Harvey) I don't know.

Shh!

I wonder where the devil is now.

(thumping) Shh.

He's under the bathroom.

(ominous music) ♪ Hello!

Listen!

Don't pull on that drain!

Okay?

(Harvey) Ah!

Come on, you devil!

(intense music) I'll get you, you devil!

Come on!

I'll get you, you devil!

♪ Come on!

Come on!

I'll get ya!

(clicking) (shouting) ♪ Come on, you monster!

♪ (grunting) ♪ (Vicki) There's only one thing to do now.

-What?

-Have you got some dynamite?

-Right, right in there.

-Okay.

(Harvey) How are you gonna get it in there?

(Vicki) I'll get it, don't you worry.

You just pull them in, pull them in.

Reel 'em in.

(Harvey) Come on up, you dog.

(Vicki) Okay.

(Tim) Say, I... -Hm?

-Okay!

(explosion) (laughter) -We did it!

-We did it!

(Vicki) We did it, Quint!

(Harvey) I've never seen such heroism in my life.

(Vicki) Oh no, you were the hero.

(Harvey) Oh no, I did my share, but you were the real hero.

(Vicki) No, no, I insist.

You were the brave one.

(Harvey) I've never seen anything like it.

No, you might have bruised your little finger by putting that dynamite in there.

(Vicki) I only did that to impress you.

(Harvey) Really?

Say, why don't you and I go out together?

(Vicki) Okay.

(laughter) (explosion) (laughter) ♪ (applause fades) Tonight, we take you to the Old South for a mini musical built on the lyrics of Mr. Alan Jay Lerner.

(fanfare music) (lively music) (Carol) Girls!

Oh, girls, why aren't you dressed yet?

-We don't want to go, Mom.

-Now stop it.

This is the last cotillion of the year and your last chance to find a man, and a rich one!

Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful?

♪ Someone's head resting on your knee ♪ ♪ Warm and tender as he can be ♪ ♪ Who'll take good care of me ♪ ♪ Oh, wouldn't it be loverly ♪ Bonnie Jean, that wealthy Colonel Parker is gonna be there tonight.

(Maggie) I had him last year.

♪ (Carol) You had everyone last year, honey.

Now you listen to your mama.

You better get married before you have to.

The man I marry is gonna be my choice, not yours.

♪ ♪ I'm waiting for my dearie ♪ ♪ And happy am I ♪ ♪ To hold my heart till he comes passing by ♪ (Carol) That's all you're gonna have left to hold, honey.

Gigi, will you get out from behind my petticoat?

Let me finish squeezing you in.

(Vicki) Mama, please don't make me go!

I don't want to get married!

I just want to stay here and live with you, Mama!

Please!

Please, Mama!

♪ There's a far land I'm told ♪ ♪ Where I'll find a field of gold ♪ ♪ But here I'll stay with you ♪ (Carol) Now stand up, child, and show some cleavage.

(Vicki) Mama!

(Maggie) ♪ Thank heaven for little girls ♪ ♪ For little girls get bigger every day ♪ (Vicki) Mama, Bonnie Jean is teasing me!

(Carol) Bonnie Jean, will you stop teasing your baby sister?

And give me that bottle!

Do you want to wind up an old drunk like your daddy?

(Maggie) How else am I gonna face that silly old ball with all those silly old men?

(Vicki) Mama, please don't make us go!

(Carol) Just hush!

Listen to me, your daddy ran off and left me with all the bills to pay.

Now how am I gonna save my plantation?

Answer me that.

You're my only means left.

You've got to find rich husbands.

Now, get dressed.

Get ready for the ball.

Don't just stand there.

Move!

♪ Oh, Lord.

Lord, what am I gonna do?

Jefferson E. Lee, you got me into this fix.

-Mama!

-All right, I'm comin', I'm comin'.

Oh.

All right, Mama, now just compose yourself.

It's gonna be a wonderful evening.

Well, Jefferson E. Lee, how does Mrs. Jefferson E. Lee look to you tonight, hm?

What?

You say you've seen this dress before?

Well, no wonder.

I wore it last year and the year before that because I can't afford a new one, not with all these bills you left me to pay.

Why'd you run out on us like that?

♪ Where can I go to repair ♪ ♪ All the wear and the tear ♪ ♪ Till I'm once again the previous me ♪ (melancholic music) ♪ What did you like that I'm not like ♪ ♪ What was the charm that I've run dry of ♪ ♪ What would I give if my old know-how still knew how ♪ ♪ Oh, what did I have I don't have now ♪ (Vicki) Mama!

Come on!

All right, I'm comin'.

I'm comin'!

Oh, don't you look nice!

(exuberant music) ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, Colonel Parker.

♪ (woman) Oh!

Colonel.

(giggling) ("Ascot Gavotte" plays) Colonel, you little... (laughter) (woman) Watch that sword!

(indistinct chatter) ♪ Mrs. Jefferson E. Lee and her daughters Bonnie Jean and Baby Gigi.

("The Embassy Waltz" plays) (Carol) Come along.

Come, daughters.

-Come on!

-There's the colonel.

Come along.

Oh, my goodness!

Why, Colonel Parker.

What a surprise to see you here.

Surely, you remember my daughter, Bonnie Jean.

♪ Don't you remember?

Last year, you spent the night tog-- you spent an evening together.

Honey, refresh the colonel's memory.

Bonnie Jean.

♪ Colonel, do you recall that carriage ride?

-He walked me home.

-She lost a glove.

(Maggie) I lost a comb.

(Carol) Oh, yes, I remember it well.

-Um, that brilliant sky.

-We had some rain.

-Those Russian songs.

-From sunny Spain.

(Carol) Yes, I remember it well.

Oh, and, Colonel, that dazzling April moon.

(Maggie) There was none that night.

And the month was June.

(Carol) No, Bonnie Jean, I distinctly remember that you met the colonel.

(Maggie) I remember it was June.

The hyacinth was in bloom.

I wore my purple dress.

(indistinct chatter) Ladies, um, Bonnie Jean is right.

The month was June.

(Carol) Why, yes.

You see?

He remembers you well.

-You little dickens.

-As a matter of fact, I would like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

(Carol) Oh, why, Colonel, this is so sudden.

Bonnie Jean, what do you say?

♪ (Maggie) ♪ How could you believe me when I ♪ (hiccups) Ooh.

♪ Said I loved you ♪ ♪ When you know I've been a liar all my life ♪ (Carol) Oh, dear Lord.

(upbeat music) (male ensemble) ♪ Go home, go home ♪ ♪ Go home with Bonnie Jean ♪ ♪ Go home, go home ♪ ♪ I'll go home with Bonnie Jean ♪ (man) I'll go home with Bonnie Jean.

(man) No, I'll go home with Bonnie Jean.

-Bonnie Jean!

-Child, hush!

Oh, Colonel, I--I'm so sorry.

I don't know what to say.

I'm so embarrassed for my daughter.

I just... ♪ Colonel, I don't believe you met my youngest daughter.

-This is Miss Gigi Lee.

-Oh.

(string orchestral music) Gigi, well, isn't that... (Carol) Are you a fool without a mind, or have you merely been too blind to realize?

(Tim) Oh!

Gigi.

(Carol) Why, she's been growing up before your very eyes.

Shoulders back, honey.

(Vicki) Mama, please don't make me go with him.

You can't make me go with him!

("On the Street Where You Live" plays) Mama, please!

Mama, I will kill you!

(screaming) ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Beauregard Dubois.

(female ensemble) ♪ Oh, the towering feeling ♪ ♪ Just to know somehow he is near ♪ ♪ (soft music) ♪ (Harvey) ♪ Come to me ♪ ♪ Bend to me ♪ ♪ Kiss me good day ♪ ♪ Darling, my darling, is all I can say ♪ ♪ Just come to me ♪ ♪ Bend to me ♪ ♪ Kiss me good day ♪ ♪ Give me your lips and don't take them away ♪ (Carol) Mr. Dubois, my name is Mrs. Jefferson E. Lee, and I have a lovely, charming daughter that I would love for you to meet.

Bonnie Jean, dear.

Come here, darling.

I found a man you haven't had--met yet.

Come, dear.

Mr. Dubois, this is my lovely daughter, Miss Bonnie Jean Lee.

(majestic music) (Harvey) ♪ All the music of life seems to be ♪ ♪ Like a bell that is ringing for me ♪ ♪ And from the way that I feel ♪ ♪ When that bell starts to peal ♪ ♪ I could swear I was falling ♪ ♪ I could swear you were falling ♪ (Harvey and Carol) ♪ It's almost like being in love ♪ (Carol) What do you say, Bonnie Jean?

Tell him, darling.

(Maggie) ♪ Words, words, words ♪ ♪ I'm so sick of words ♪ ♪ I get words all day through, first from her, now from you ♪ ♪ Is that all you blighters can do ♪ (energetic music) ♪ Don't talk of stars burning above ♪ ♪ If you're in love, show me ♪ ♪ Show me ♪ ♪ Don't wait until wrinkles and lines pop out all over my brow ♪ ♪ Show me ♪ (gasping) (majestic music) ♪ ♪ I'm getting married in the morning ♪ (Vicki) Me too, Mama!

♪ Ding-dong, the bells are gonna chime ♪ (Carol) Hallelujah!

Champagne for everyone!

Oh, I'm just so absolutely overwhelmed.

Did you know that my little baby is marrying the wealthy Colonel Parker?

Yes, she is.

And did you know that Bonnie Jean is gonna get... -'Night, Mama!

-Good night, darling.

-'Night, Mom.

-Good night, son.

-Good night, Mama.

-'Night, sweetheart.

-Good night, Mother.

-Good night, you handsome devil, you.

Woo-wee!

(laughing) Oh, how wonderful!

Oh, what a day this has been!

What a rare mood I'm in.

(spirited music) ♪ On a clear day ♪ ♪ Rise and look around you ♪ ♪ And you'll see who you are ♪ Mm, mm!

Well, goodbye, you old rag!

I won't be needing you anymore!

I did it, Jefferson.

Do you hear me?

I did it!

Jefferson... Jefferson, I'm talking to you.

Listen to me!

♪ Blast your hide ♪ ♪ Hear me call ♪ ♪ Here and now ♪ ♪ Damn it all ♪ ♪ Turn the highway to dust ♪ ♪ Break the law if you must ♪ ♪ Move the world, only just come back to me ♪ ♪ Come back to me ♪ ♪ Come back to me ♪ ♪ I was serenely independent and content before we met ♪ ♪ Surely, I could always be that way again ♪ ♪ And yet ♪ (soft music) Oh, Jefferson.

♪ Oh, you should've seen your babies tonight.

Oh, they were so beautiful.

And they're gonna marry two lovely, lovely gentlemen.

Of course, they can't hold a candle to you.

But then, no man ever could.

♪ I've grown accustomed to the trace ♪ ♪ ♪ Of something in the air ♪ ♪ Accustomed ♪ ♪ ♪ To your face ♪ ♪ Well, goodnight, Jefferson, wherever you are.

♪ (applause) ♪ (applause fades) And remember, if we work together to conserve energy, it's gonna aid in the fight against pollution.

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say so long ♪ Thank you.

Maggie?

(applause) (theme music) ♪ (announcer) Hunter Wheatley was played by Dick Patterson.

♪ "The Other Woman" was previously recorded.

♪ The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.

♪ (applause fades) (bright music)