(easygoing music) (applause) ♪ Thank you!

(applause) Tonight, along with Pete Matz and our wonderful orchestra, and our wonderful Pete Matz, we have the fabulous Mr. Dick Van Dyke... (applause) ...the wonderful Ms. Vicki Lawrence... (applause) ...oh, what's his name, Tim Conway... (applause) ...and, as our very special guest, a girl we all love very much around here, Ms. Bernadette Peters.

(applause) Listen, we've got a big show for you, so don't go away, we'll be right back!

(applause) (announcer) From Television City, Hollywood, it's The Carol Burnett Show... (lively music) ♪ ...co-staring Dick Van Dyke... (applause) ♪ ...with Vicki Lawrence... (applause) ♪ ...and also starring Tim Conway!

(applause) ♪ (lackadaisical music) ♪ (sniffling) (audience laughing) (moaning) (sneeze gets stuck) (audience laughing) (moaning) (audience laughing) (moaning) (Mr. Tudball) Eh, Mrs. Wiggins.

(sneezes violently) (audience laughing) Eh, Mrs. Wiggins.

Did you call me, Mr. Tudball?

(Mr. Tudball) Yes, could you put your ear just a little closer to the intercom?

Put my ear closer to the intercom?

(Mr. Tudball) Just a little closer, please.

Gesundheit!

(audience laughing) Thank you.

(audience laughing) (Mr. Tudball) I didn't just call you -to say gesundheit.

-Hello?

-Don't press your-- -Hello?

-Don't press-- -Hello?

Hello?

(Mr. Tudball) Don't press that button when I'm talking to you!

(audience laughing) Now, what about that letter that you were supposed to have typed up for me?

Oh, I finished typing that letter.

I'm all through with it.

(Mr. Tudball) Then, do you want to bring that in for my signature, please?

Oh, darn, I can't do that because the doctor told me I have to drink tea and honey on the hour, every hour.

And it is now on the hour.

(Mr. Tudball) I don't care about the tea and the honey!

Just bring that letter in here!

What about that?

Oh, all right.

(papers shuffling) (indistinct speaking) The letter's got honey on it.

(Mr. Tudball) Do you mean that you've ruined that?

Well, that's okay.

I'll whip up another one in no time.

Took her nine days to whip up that one!

(audience laughing) Well, I guess if I've got to go into the sick bay, I might as well take a kerchief.

(audience laughing) Not one thing, it's another.

Now, you got that letter?

(Mrs. Wiggins) Well, it's--Ah!

(screaming) (Mr. Tudball) It's me, dummy!

(screaming) (audience laughing) For crying out loud, where's that pen?

I've got to sign this right away and get it out.

I don't know why you can't just-- -There's no ink in this pen.

-It's out of ink.

(Mr. Tudball) Well, why don't you fill it?

You haven't got anything else to do in here.

-Well, I wouldn't do that.

-Is it such a tough thing just to do that like that?

Just sign this, and you get this right out-- That's a strange-looking color for this ink.

What do you call that?

Oh, that's boysenberry.

You just filled the pen with my cough syrup.

(audience laughing) (Mr. Tudball) Don't understand this.

For crying out loud, you get sick for three days, and I get five days behind in the work!

Well, tough noogies.

(audience laughing and cheering) I can't help it.

I can't work when I'm sick!

You should have let me go home when I wanted to.

(Mr. Tudball) You're not going home!

I don't pay you to go home, I pay you to get here to type these letters!

(Mrs. Wiggins) But feel my face, it's on fire.

(Mr. Tudball) Probably accounts for your scrambled brains!

You've got a thermometer here.

Take the darn temperature, and let's see what you got there.

I've got to get this darn report over here all put together.

The guys are gonna come over here and pick it up.

It could mean big bucks for us.

If I don't have it, then I intend to get it, for crying out loud.

Let me see that thing.

There, now look at that, you only got 108.

(audience laughing) -108?

-Hey, give that back to me.

I wasn't finished stirring my honey in my tea.

(Mr. Tudball) Oh, give me that thing!

Ah!

Forget that thing, and just get in here and help me with these papers!

-Do you hear me?

-All right!

(Mr. Tudball) Hmph!

(sniffling) (coughing) (retching) (blowing nose loudly) (sniffling) (blowing nose loudly) (sniffling) (blowing nose loudly) Bring the whole box!

(audience laughing) (sneezing) Nice going.

You know, with that cold going around here, you'll probably end up giving it to me, and then I'm gonna take-- (exaggerated inhaling) (sneezing) (audience laughing) Nice going, Typhoid Mary!

I'm not gonna lie.

(Mrs. Wiggins) I'll get the tea and the honey.

(Mr. Tudball) Sit down with the tea and the honey!

Got to get this doggone report out here!

Now, this guy, Mr. Benson, said that he's going to come over here tomorrow morning to pick that up, so we've got to get this all put together!

(Mrs. Wiggins) Oh, he's not coming over tomorrow morning.

(Mr. Tudball) What do you mean, he cancelled it?

No, he called.

He's going to be here today at 2:00 At 2:00?

It's almost 2:00 now!

Why didn't you tell me, for crying out loud?

(Mrs. Wiggins) Well, I wrote it down, I put it on your desk.

(Mr. Tudball) Well, you've gotta-- Don't mess that up, for crying out loud!

I had them all in order for this thing now.

We gotta get 'em all-- Where are you going?

Oh, that's my alarm going off to remind me to take some, uh, cough medicine.

I'll be right back.

(alarm ringing) (Mr. Tudball) Ah.

(audience laughing) (gagging) Now let's get these things filled here all together.

-Oh!

-Where are you going now?

Well, I just remembered the doctor said to take two.

Hurry up and take it then!

You've got all that, take the whole bottle!

Oh, I couldn't take the whole bottle, that would make me deathly ill. (audience laughing) Why don't you take a six-pack then?

Get that medicine out of the way, and while you're in there, clean up that infirmary!

(gagging) (coughing) Now, what you've got to do is have a pink one, and then the white one, and then the blue one.

(Mrs. Wiggins) Would you hold this for me for a minute, Mr. Tudball?

-What for?

-Well, the doctor said I should get plenty of fresh air, and it's very, very stuffy.

(wind whooshing) (audience laughing) (indistinct shouting) (Mr. Tudball) Get some water to clean this up here.

-Water?

-Never mind that, shut the window!

(Mrs. Wiggins) Well, what do you want me to do?

Do you want me to get some water, or do you want me to shut the window?

I only have... two hands.

(audience laughing) (Mr. Tudball) Just get the water, for crying out loud, will you?

Get this, look at this, it's going to be all messed up here.

Hurry up!

Come on!

(Mrs. Wiggins) Mr. Tudball, are you busy?

Nah, I'm just lying here getting 40 winks.

(Mrs. Wiggins) Well, there's something wrong with the water cooler, and it's getting all over my feet, and you know I've had this cold.

Do you think you could turn that off?

(Mr. Tudball) Get out of my way, got to stop that, for crying out loud.

This guy isn't going to get-- Get something to catch the water, dopo.

(audience laughing) Bring the whole vase!

Here, give me that.

Here, just--Boy, this sucker is really leaking.

Get some stuff here to catch this water!

(phone ringing) (Mrs. Wiggins) Oh, I bet that's the phone.

(Mr. Tudball) Never mind the phone, just-- (Mrs. Wiggins) Hello?

Mr. Tudball's office, this is his private-- personal secretary, Ms. Wiggins, speaking.

Oh, hi, Sheila.

Oh, not so hot.

No, I got this cold.

No, I'm not busy!

Hang up that phone!

We gotta get this thing here!

-Oh, Mr. Tudball.

-Huh?

Sheila says hi.

(Mr. Tudball) Wonderful news.

(audience laughing) (Mrs. Wiggins) What's that?

No, I'm better.

It's down to 108.

Would you get something to catch this water, for crying out loud?

(audience laughing) (Mrs. Wiggins) How's it goin'?

Hang up that phone!

I have to hang up that phone.

What do you want me to do?

(Mr. Tudball) Just gonna try to catch this bottle.

Take this off it.

(audience laughing) I got my finger.

(Mrs. Wiggins) Oh!

Oh!

(audience laughing) -Get my back.

-You're all wet!

(Mr. Tudball) Get my finger out of here!

(audience laughing) Get this out.

How am I gonna get any work done like this -around here now?

-Well, if you can't get any work done, then why can't I go home?

(Mr. Tudball) You're not going home until I go home!

-All right.

-Get this off of here.

Just pull it there.

(moaning) (sneezing) (thudding) (audience laughing) Well, if he went home, I can go home.

(showy music) ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, we are very proud to welcome back tonight a very special guest, -the very talented, Ms.-- -Uh, Carol, excuse me just a moment.

Could I talk to you for a second?

(Carol) Well, yeah, Dick, but I'm right in the middle of introducing -Bernadette Peters.

-Well, as a matter of fact, that's what I'd like to talk to you about.

-Oh, real--What?

-Well, you see, I am such an admirer of Bernadette's... -Oh, me too.

-...I'd consider it a personal favor to me if you'd let me introduce her tonight.

-Would you?

-Well, Dick!

-Of course.

-Oh, thanks a lot, Carol!

(laughing) (Carol) It takes so little to please you.

(Dick) Yeah, I'm happy as a clam!

Ladies and gentlemen, one of my very favorite entertainers, -Ms. Ber-- -Excuse me, Dick, could you just hold it for one minute, please?

You know, I've never spoken out, but at this point, -I really feel I must, Carol.

-Yeah, well, Vick, could it wait just a, a few minutes?

(Vicki) No, no.

You see, I've been on this show for 11 years now, and I have never gotten to introduce anybody, anybody.

Now, as you know, Carol, I'm one of Bernadette's biggest fans, and you didn't bother to ask me whether I would like to introduce her at all.

(Carol) Well, I promised Dick, Vick.

Well, look, Carol, if it's a matter of not trusting me -or something like that... -No, no, no!

-...I'm not a child.

-I know you're not a child.

You were 11 years ago, but you're not now.

All right, all right, you go right ahead.

-Introduce her.

-Thank you.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentleman, -the fabulous-- -Hey, hey, hold it right there.

Whoa, whoa right there, little lady.

Just a minute.

Now, just because I happen to be a comic genius everybody thinks that all I can do around here-- You people wanna keep it down?

We're trying to talk.

(audience laughing) You just think all I do is be funny around here.

I would like a shot at putting a little dignity into an intro around here, and I would like to introduce Bernadette Peters.

Woo!

Woo!

(Dick) It just so happens that I asked first, Tim.

(Vicki) Yeah, well, I've been here the longest.

(Carol) Listen, come on, guys, we've gotta kind of settle this one way or the other.

(arguing) (applause) (Bernadette) Gang, gang?

Uh, gang?

-This is very sweet of you-- -Will you just keep out of this?

(Dick) Look, why don't we draw straws, -and settle it fairly?

-Well, that's fair!

(Tim) I got some in my dressing room.

(Dick) You got some in your dressing room?

(audience laughing) Uh, ladies and gentlemen... me.

(applause) (upbeat music) ♪ (applause) ♪ (singers vocalizing) ♪ (Bernadette) ♪ You're so terrific ♪ ♪ Ooh, you never done it like that ♪ ♪ You've never been this way before ♪ ♪ To be specific ♪ ♪ Ooh, you never done it like that ♪ ♪ Who went and opened up the door?

♪ ♪ My lips are burnin', yeah ♪ ♪ You never done it like that ♪ ♪ I thought the flame was dead and gone ♪ ♪ But you been learnin' your head ♪ ♪ You never done it like that ♪ ♪ How long has this been goin' on?

♪ (singers and Bernadette) ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Who's been teachin' you?

♪ (Bernadette) ♪ Show me the man (singers and Bernadette) and let me shake his hand ♪ ♪ Hey look at me I feel just like Columbus ♪ (Bernadette) ♪ I did discover you're some kinda lover ♪ ♪ ♪ My mind is blown ♪ ♪ Ooh, you never done it like that ♪ ♪ You got me climbin' up the wall ♪ (singers) ♪ Climbin' climbin' ♪ (Bernadette) ♪ My love is growin' ♪ ♪ Yeah, you never done it like that ♪ ♪ You know you made me -ten feet tall ♪ -♪ Ten feet tall ♪ (Bernadette and singers) ♪ Ooh, what you doin'?

♪ ♪ Ooh, what you doin'?

♪ ♪ Ooh, what you doin'?

♪ ♪ You never done it you never done it you never done it like that ♪ -♪ Ooh, what you doin'?

♪ -♪ Do it again ♪ -♪ Ooh, what you doin'?

♪ -♪ Do it again ♪ (singers) ♪ Ooh, what you doin'?

♪ (Bernadette and singers) ♪ You never done it you never done it you never done it like that ♪ ♪ (singers vocalizing) ♪ (Bernadette) ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ (singers vocalizing) (singers) ♪ Dancin', dancin', dancin' ♪ (singers vocalizing) ♪ ♪ Dancin', dancin', dancin' ♪ ♪ (clapping) ♪ ♪ Ooh what a feelin' yeah ♪ ♪ You never done it like that ♪ ♪ Not since I can't remember when ♪ (singers) ♪ You never done it ♪ (Bernadette) ♪ I'm on the ceiling yeah ♪ ♪ You never done it like that ♪ ♪ Looks like we got it on again ♪ ♪ Do it again, do it again, do it again, do it again ♪ -♪ Ooh, what you doin'?

♪ -♪ Do it again ♪ -♪ Ooh, what you doin'?

♪ -♪ Do it again ♪ (Bernadette) ♪ Oh, what you doin'?

♪ ♪ You never done it you never done it you never done it like that ♪ -♪ Ooh, what you doin'?

♪ -♪ Do it again ♪ -♪ Ooh, what you doin'?

♪ -♪ Do it again ♪ (singers) ♪ Ooh, what you doin'?

♪ (singers and Bernadette) ♪ You never done it you never done it you never done it like that ♪ ♪ Do it again ♪ (applause) Recently, I did an affectionate tribute to Gene Kelly in Singing in the Rain.

Well, Mr. Kelly saw it, and he was so pleased by it that he begged me to do another one of his dances.

So, tonight, here's my rendition of Gene Kelly and his famous number from It's Always Fair Weather.

Peter, if you would.

(upbeat music) ♪ (audience laughing and cheering) (elegant music) ♪ (man) There.

Ah, alone at last, and a beautiful meal, honey, thank you.

(woman sighing) Ooh, wait!

-Oh, the wine.

-(speaking French).

(woman laughing) (man) Let me open that wine.

♪ (cork snapping) Oh, I guess a bit of it broke off.

(laughing) (speaking French) -Let me get this off.

-All right, darling.

Ah!

Ooh!

-Ooh, ooh, ooh!

-Here, darling.

(man) Ooh, oh, well, I just gashed it a little.

-Oh, boy!

-Ooh, ah, yes that'll help it.

(man) Oh, well, that's okay.

-I bet that smarts.

-Yeah.

It'll be sore tomorrow.

(woman) Aw, poor baby!

(audience laughing) -Get that out of there.

-Get that out, darling.

(man) Could you see if you could pry it out?

(woman) Oh, certainly, I can do that for you.

Let me see if I can.

-Maybe that-- -Maybe with this, I could do that.

Oh, God!

(man) Oh, you-- (both moaning and groaning) Put it in here.

Oh, sweetheart.

Let's see here.

(woman) Mine's worse than yours!

(man) Yes, it is!

Much worse.

Okay, I gotta get the rest of it.

There's a little bit of cork left in there.

(woman) Oh, darling.

Oh, (painful muttering)!

Oh, oh, oh.

-Wanna put your eye in there?

-Yes.

(audience laughing) Oh!

Oh!

-Yeah, oh, that's some-- -Why don't we, we just forget it?

-We don't need it.

-Yeah, we don't the wine, honey.

Let's not destroy a whole nice evening just because of a cantankerous wine bottle.

(woman) That's a cantankerous wine bottle, all right.

-Let's see if I can get that.

-Can you get that out, honey?

(woman) No, still won't come out.

I guess we'll just forget about it.

-Well, just enjoy your meal.

-Just eat.

(man) Forget about it.

(woman sighing) ♪ (audience laughing) (gagging and scratching throat) I'll open that wine bottle!

(woman) Sweetheart, darling, please calm down, sweetheart.

Nothing is worth that.

No, no, don't, don't, don't.

Don't, don't, don't!

-It is not worth it.

-We gotta get it open.

(woman) It's just not worth it.

(banging) (audience laughing) (man) I'll fix this, wait just a minute, honey, we'll get it open.

(audience laughing) (man laughing) (thudding and bone cracking) (woman screaming) (audience laughing) (both groaning) Just, honey, why don't we just forget it, huh?

(woman) Incredible... that that won't break!

I've never seen a bottle like that before.

(man) Probably just, you know, a big fat-- (cracking and audience laughing) (shattering) (clattering) Honey, calm down.

(banging) (indistinct speaking) Honey, honey, please, please!

Get ahold of yourself.

(woman) No!

(man) Get ahold of yourself.

Get ahold of yourself, honey, it's not worth it.

-I was a little upset.

-Yes.

Just an ordinary bottle of wine.

-Here, I'll take care of this.

-All right.

♪ -Good.

-That's the end of that.

Now, honey, we're still going to have a nice, romantic evening.

I know what to do.

-Huh?

Huh?

-Oh, wonderful!

Grab all the gusto -while you can!

-Might fizz a little now.

-I dropped it.

-It's all right, darling.

-Here's to you, sweetheart.

-Here's to you, baby.

(audience laughing) (crying) (clattering) (both crying) (tapping) (audience laughing) (squeaking) (cork popping) -Hey, hey!

-What?

What?

No.

(screaming) (audience laughing) (showy music) ♪ (easygoing music) (announcer) Stay tuned for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

♪ ♪ And now, back for the second half of the Carol Burnett Show!

In June of 1977, the Supreme Court ruled that in the future, lawyers would be allowed to advertise.

Since that momentous decision, the medical profession has started to petition for equal rights.

So, we thought this is what might happen if doctors are allowed to advertise.

(calm music) (announcer) We've chosen two men with identical illnesses.

One will be operated on by Dr. X, the other by Dr. Wyler, the man who put fun back into surgery.

All right, nurses.

(audience laughing) Well, they should be about ready now.

Let's compare the results.

(audience laughing) Well, Mrs. Saunders, your husband looks as fit as a fiddle.

(Mrs. Saunders) Yes, I can hardly believe it!

Woo!

(announcer) Yes, and your husband was operated on by?

(Mrs. Saunders) Dr. Wyler.

I'm gonna bring my husband to Dr. Wyler even when he isn't sick!

(announcer) And how would you compare the two, Mrs. Brindle?

(Mrs. Brindle) Well, I would say that, um, her husband definitely looks brighter and, uh, cheerier.

(announcer) Hm.

-Would you say "fresher"?

-Oh, yes, I would.

Yes, fresher.

(announcer) And your husband was operated on by?

-Dr. X.

-Uh-huh.

Uh, he doesn't look so good, does he?

(Mrs. Brindle) No, he looks lousy.

(announcer) And what would you say you have learned from this, Mrs. Brindle?

(Mrs. Brindle) Well, the next time, I'm going to take him to-- (thudding and audience laughing) I'm going to take my next husband to Dr. Wyler in the Metropolitan Medical Building.

(showy music) (energetic music) Hi, folks, I'm Dr. Worthington, and this is my nurse, Spot.

She's here to prove to you that when it comes to treating sick people, we don't monkey around!

We can give you the best possible treatment at the lowest possible prices because we are the world's largest outdoor volume clinic.

We have literally acres and acres of sick people here, all on one gigantic location.

Freeway close, just a mile and a half from the municipal airport.

So, if you're in the market for any kind of treatment, come on down and see us.

We can cure flat feet, dandruff, and anything in-between.

And you just can't beat our low, low prices.

Take a look at some of these bargains, if you will, folks.

Look at this, this little old lady from Pasadena had five kidney stones removed for the low, low price of only $285.95.

Now, that breaks down to less then $60 a stone.

It includes many extras, a hospital gown, an autographed picture of Dr. Cal, and a souvenir bracelet made from durable plastic and inlaid with the very same stones that we removed.

Men, of course, have their choice of a souvenir ring or a tie clasp.

Why are our prices so low?

Because we move 'em right in, and then we move 'em right out.

Take a look at this one here, folks, little outdoor sportsman.

He was mauled by a grizzly bear.

Shopped around for a couple days, finally crawled out here on our lot.

We gave him 452 stitches for the low, low price of just $195.95.

I'm telling you, folks, you couldn't do it yourself for any less.

And we're moving him out just for you.

We have literally hundreds and hundreds of bargains like that.

Here's a broken leg, $79.50.

Right over here, we have a gallbladder, $320.

Next thing, set of twins, exactly $60 a piece.

And remember, each and every one of these operations is guaranteed for six months, or two more operations, whichever comes first, folks.

And remember Dr. Cal's slogan, at these prices, you can't afford to stay healthy.

♪ Dr. Cal will fight like hell to keep you well ♪ ♪ Dr. Cal will fight like hell to keep you well ♪ ♪ He will stand up on his head to keep you from being dead ♪ ♪ Go see Cal, go see Cal, go see Cal ♪ (upbeat music) (applause) (man) This is my wife.

Boy, she's really something.

She's raised over 15 children.

Yup.

Just papered the kitchen, does all the cleaning, washing, ironing, does the windows, inside and out, takes care of my vegetable garden, and slaughters a fresh pig every day.

(audience laughing) Yup, but with all this work, she still finds time for me.

Isn't that right, honey?

(woman) I wanna go to bed.

(audience laughing) I'm sick.

(blowing raspberry) (audience laughing) -I need help.

-Okay, all right.

Of course, all of this work has driven her a little bananas.

That's why I take her to Dr. Butts.

-Butts.

-That's the psychiatrist with a heart just as soft as his couch.

(singer) ♪ If your wife is acting dingy give Butts a little ringy ♪ ♪ 'Cause for nuts you can't beat Butts ♪ (applause) (laidback music) ♪ (Louise) You sure your friend knows where this place is?

(Patty) Oh, yeah, Louise, she'll find it.

She and I used to joke when we were in college about the part that she was part bloodhound.

Oh, I am just so excited!

At last, my two best friends in the whole wide world are finally gonna get to meet!

(Louise) Well, I've certainly heard enough about her.

(Patty) Oh, I tell you, Louise, you are just gonna wig out over her.

She's absolutely the most terrific girl in the world.

She, well, she's witty, and bright, and aware.

And she's just-- Well, she's so much fun!

She must really be something.

Gee, I hope I can measure up to her.

(Patty) Louise!

Of course you can!

Are you--She is gonna love you to death just like I do!

I mean, what-- Hey, come on, would you be my best friend if my other best friend wouldn't consider you her best friend, huh?

(laughing) Well, there she is!

There she-- Doesn't she look fun?

Eileen!

-Eileen!

-Patty, Patty, oh!

-Eileen!

-Patty!

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Oh, Patty!

-Eileen!

(Eileen) Patty!

Patty!

Patty!

Patty!

Patty!

Patty!

Patty!

(Patty) Did you have any trouble finding the place?

(Eileen) Oh, piece of cake!

(Patty) Piece of cake!

You hear that?

(laughing) Oh, God.

Well, at last.

My two dearest friends.

Louise, this is Eileen.

Eileen, this is Louise!

Oh, Louise, finally!

Patty just talks about you constantly.

(Louise) Oh, well, all I hear is, "Eileen, Eileen, Eileen."

Hi, Eileen.

(Patty) Oh, you two are just gonna love each other.

(laughing) (audience laughing) Well, oh, Patty, this is a nice place!

(Patty) Isn't it, though?

But I tell you, you practically have to lasso the waiters because they're just so slow here with the service.

(Louise) I think they meditate for 20 minutes every time they go in the kitchen.

(Patty laughing) (Patty) Oh, listen, I tell you what, let me recommend, Eileen, the spinach salad.

It is heaven.

(Eileen) Oh, heck, if it's good for you, I don't wanna have anything to do with it.

(Patty laughing) (Patty) Oh, I'll have the spinach salad, please.

(Louise) Uh, I think I'll just stick with my old faithful, -shrimp cocktail.

-Old faithful.

Say, what is this menu, War and Peace?

(Patty laughing) (Patty) Isn't she too much?

So, you two eat in here often, huh?

(Louise) Yes, we come here almost every day for lunch.

-We're inseparable at lunch.

-Yeah.

(Louise) Over at the office, they call us the Bobbsey Twins.

(Eileen) You know, there was this little place that Patty and I used to eat at right near campus every day for lunch and sometimes dinner.

-That's right.

-And they had -the most awful beef stew... -Oh, that beef stew, Louise!

(Eileen) ...made with yesterday's leftovers and who knows what else they put in there.

-Remember that, Patty?

-And we ate it!

-That's what was so-- -Oh, it was terrible.

(Patty) It was the worst, the pits!

(laughing) (Louise) I'm sorry I missed it.

But, but, Patty, you and I have seen some of the tackiest meals -at the company cafeteria.

-Yeah, we have, we have.

(Eileen) Probably not as bad as that beef stew.

(Patty) That was pretty bad, that beef stew.

(Eileen) Oh, I'll just have a little sliver of carrot cake, please.

(Patty and Eileen sighing) (Patty) Well!

(Eileen) Patty, Patty, Patty.

Do you remember this?

-Is that the locket I gave you?

-That's right!

-And you're wearing it still?

-All the time, Patty.

And look, look what you engraved on the back.

(Patty) I remember.

(Eileen) "To my dearest friend on her birthday."

That's the same thing you engraved on that friendship ring you gave me on my birthday.

(Patty stammering) (Patty) I have two dearest friends!

I mean, isn't that wonderful?

Most people go through life without ever even having one, and I have two.

I am blessed.

I am truly, truly blessed.

And, well, gosh, guys, that's why I wanted you two to get together, you know, because it's just so exciting to have you meet 'cause--well, for one thing, I didn't tell you, the two of you have so much in common, like, well, uh, uh, you're both antique nuts!

Oh, do you like antiques, Eileen?

Well, I'm collecting early American and some Oriental.

(Eileen) Oh, I'm really into Oriental, Tang, and Ming, and Ping, and all that.

(Louise) Are you really?

Oh, I wish I knew more, you know.

I don't even know an Imari plate from a Nippon pickle dish.

(Patty) I saw this wonderful-- (Eileen) Well, you know, -I could teach you!

-Could you?

(Eileen) Yeah, I've got my whole china closet is full of Nippon, and Satsuma, and Imari.

You should come over to my house, and I'll tell you everything I know!

(Louise) Oh, you know, I would love it, I'd love to learn-- You know, I have a friend who has a priceless fu dog.

I have a friend who has a Pekingese.

-It's about-- -I have two!

I have--I practically stole them at an auction.

Yeah, they have emeralds for eyes.

-No!

-And a jade collar!

-Oh, my lord, how gorgeous!

-You know what Louise and I did not too long ago?

Do you remember?

We went and we saw this terrific--what was it?

-It was an exhibition... -Oh, it was fabulous!

-...of Greek statues.

-Oh, well, honey, honey, they weren't Greek statues.

They were Egyptian mummies, Patty.

There's a slight difference.

(Eileen) I am an absolute museum freak!

Are you?

I could live in them!

(Patty) I know the difference.

Egyptian mummies are horizontal.

-Statues stand up.

-You mean the Romanian tapestries.

I'm gonna be camping on that museum's doorstep -when they open.

-Me too!

Well, listen, I'll probably see you there!

Well, hey, why don't we go together?

Oh, I would love it!

Listen, do you know that it took 50 nuns 10 years to weave just one of those things?

(Eileen) No, no, it was 10 nuns, 50 years.

(Louise) Well, either way, it was a hard job!

(laughing) (Eileen) Hey, wouldn't it be funny if, when they were all finished, somebody said, "Oh, Sister Rosa, there's too much green in there.

Take out that tree."

(Louise) Patty, why didn't you introduce us years ago?

I mean, Eileen is so much fun!

(Patty) Well, she's not that much fun.

(Eileen) You should have let us meet ages ago!

She's a hoot!

(stammering) I gotta tell you!

Oh, you guys, you're gonna-- I saw the best movie just last week.

Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo.

(audience laughing) (Eileen) Have you seen that new Czechoslovakian art film?

-You know the one-- -Yes, oh, I'm dying to see it.

You know, I'm so sorry they didn't give it a longer run.

(Eileen) Oh, I know, I know!

The last show is tonight, and I'm just sick that I'm missing it.

(Louise) It's tonight?

I thought it was last night.

(Eileen) No, no, tonight!

Tonight's the last night.

The next showing is in 15 minutes, at 9:00.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh, it would be absolutely crazy, wouldn't it?

I mean, we'd have to tail halfway across town.

(Louise) Oh, I know, but don't you just love to do things on impulse?

-Yeah, let's go!

-Oh, Eileen, you're my kinda person, somebody who just plunges into life.

Oh, we better scoot.

Pat, you sure you won't join us?

-Well, I-- -Oh, you know how those art films just bore her to tears.

Oh, Patty, I'll call you.

(Louise) Patty, you sure you won't tag along?

-Well, I-- -All right, we'll see you soon, then, okay?

(audience laughing) Pat, I'm sorry, where are my manners?

Thanks for everything, honey.

She is such a fun person!

(audience laughing) She's not that much fun!

(audience laughing) (showy music) ♪ Tonight, we offer a mini musical saluting two of Broadway's most talented writers.

Here are the lyrics of Betty Comden and Adolph Green.

(lively music) ♪ (honking) (in unison) ♪ New York, New York a hell of a town ♪ ♪ The Bronx is up and the Battery's down ♪ ♪ The people ride in a hole in the ground ♪ ♪ New York, New York it's a hell of a town ♪ (woman) Ah!

Police!

My bag!

My bag!

(whistle blowing) (mischievous music) ♪ (Ella) Get outta here, you creep!

(screaming) (whistle blowing) (gloomy music) ♪ (Mella) ♪ Why oh why oh why oh ♪ ♪ Why did I ever leave Ohio?

♪ (Ella) Oh, come on, Mella, don't be like that!

I mean, look at us!

Look at the bright side.

Yesterday, we were at home in Kunkle, Ohio, slaving away, working in a brassiere factory.

And today, we're in the most exciting city in the whole wide world!

(Mella) Exciting?

What's so exciting about muggers, and purse snatchers, and flashers?

(Ella) Oh, come on, we have the same thing back in Kunkle, Ohio.

(Mella) Yeah, maybe so, but at least on Sunday, he delivers a nice sermon.

(audience laughing) Oh, Ella, Ella, I do miss Kunkle so.

Remember back in Kunkle, where every day I'd say ♪ Good morning to the sun ♪ ♪ Good morning to the hills ♪ ♪ Good morning to the chickens and the hens ♪ -I remember.

-♪ I said good morning to the cows ♪ ♪ Good morning to the roosters ♪ ♪ Good morning to the piggies in their pens ♪ -I remember, yeah, yeah.

-♪ Good morning ♪ ♪ Good morning to everything inside ♪ ♪ And by the time I got through with saying good morning it was time to say... -Say good night.

-♪ Good night to the sun ♪ ♪ Good night to the hills ♪ ♪ Good night to the chickens and the hens ♪ -I know!

I know!

-♪ I'd say good night to the roosters ♪ -♪ Good night to the piggies ♪ -Will you stop it?

(upbeat music) ♪ (Ella) ♪ We got one day here and not another minute to see the famous sights ♪ ♪ We'll find romance and danger waitin' in it beneath the Broadway lights ♪ ♪ Gotta pick up a date maybe 7:00 or 8:00 on our way ♪ ♪ In just one day ♪ Now watch big sister.

(bright music) ♪ Hello, hello there, hi ♪ ♪ Pleased to meet you ♪ ♪ It's a pleasure and a privilege ♪ ♪ Glad to know you ♪ ♪ How are you?

♪ ♪ Hello ♪ ♪ Hello, hello ♪ Oh, I'm sorry.

(dreamy music) ♪ ♪ It's love ♪ ♪ It's love ♪ ♪ Well, who would have thought it?

♪ ♪ It's love ♪ ♪ (man) ♪ I like a quiet girl ♪ (Ella) ♪ It's love ♪ (man) ♪ I love a gentle girl ♪ ♪ Sweet as music ♪ ♪ Soft, soft as snow ♪ (upbeat music) (Ella) ♪ Think of now ♪ ♪ Tomorrow is waiting in the wings ♪ ♪ Who knows what it brings ♪ ♪ While the future waits the present swings ♪ -♪ Make someone happy ♪ -Listen to her.

-♪ Make just one someone happy.

-Come on, make me happy.

(Mella) ♪ Make just one heart the heart you cling to ♪ (dreamy music) ♪ (man) ♪ Long before I met you ♪ (Mella) ♪ I said good morning to the hens ♪ (man) ♪ Long before I knew you ♪ (Mella) ♪ I said good morning to the chicks ♪ (man) ♪ I was sure I'd find you somehow some day ♪ (Mella) ♪ I said good morning to the piggies in the pen ♪ ♪ ♪ What a day ♪ ♪ Fortune smiled and came my way ♪ ♪ Bringing love I never thought I'd see ♪ ♪ I'm so lucky to be me ♪ ♪ ♪ The party's over ♪ ♪ It's time to call it a day ♪ ♪ They burst your pretty balloon and taken the moon away ♪ (downhearted music) ♪ I'm going back where I can be me ♪ ♪ To the Bonjour Tristesse Brassiere Company ♪ ♪ And if anybody asks for Ella, Mella, or Mom tell 'em that I'm going back where I came from ♪ ♪ To the BT Brassiere Company ♪ ♪ Send me my mail there to the Bonjour Tristesse Company ♪ (audience cheering) On the other hand, I just might kill myself.

(audience laughing) (Mella) Oh, poor Ella.

I'll be right back.

(bright music) ♪ Ella, Ella, Ella ♪ ♪ When you think you've hit the bottom and you're feeling low ♪ ♪ You mustn't be discouraged ♪ ♪ There's always one step further down you can go ♪ (tapping) ♪ ♪ Just remember when you're low, low, low, low there's always one step further down you can go ♪ (man) Oh!

Oh, you're wonderful!

(Mella) I know.

(Ella) Thanks, sis, for trying to cheer me up, but I'm just gonna go back home.

(Mella) Oh, no, Ella, Ella, if you're goin' back home, then I'm going back home too.

(man) Hey!

What about me?

Us?

(Mella) My sister comes first.

The wedding is off.

What wedding?

I just wanted to fool around.

(Mella) Oh, Ella, we should have never have left Kunkle.

(Ella) ♪ Maybe I'd better go ♪ (Mella) ♪ Maybe we'd better go ♪ (in unison) ♪ Maybe we'd better go home ♪ (man) ♪ This day was just a token ♪ ♪ Too many words are left unspoken ♪ (Mella) ♪ Oh well ♪ ♪ We'll catch up some other time ♪ Bye.

(downhearted music) ♪ (man) Hello, there, little girl.

(Ella) ♪ It's love ♪ ♪ It's love ♪ ♪ Well, who would have thought it?

♪ (lively music) ♪ (Mella) ♪ She met a guy a wonderful guy ♪ ♪ He's really got a lot to recommend him for a guy ♪ ♪ A fabulous creature without any doubt ♪ ♪ Hey what am I getting so excited about?

♪ (man) ♪ I've got a girl a fabulous girl ♪ ♪ Yes I guess she's really rather special for a girl ♪ ♪ But once you have seen her the others are out ♪ ♪ That's what I am getting so excited about ♪ (tapping) ♪ Hey!

Hey, come back with her, I just found her!

She's mine!

Hey!

♪ (tapping) ♪ (in unison) ♪ For love came just in time ♪ ♪ You found me just in time and change my lonely life this lovely day ♪ (applause) Thank you, please be sure and be with us next week.

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started and before you know it comes the time we have to say so long ♪ (Carol) Good night!

(audience laughing and cheering) (easygoing music) ♪ (announcer) The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.

(boy) This has been a Whacko production.

Let me see that.

(applause) ♪ (energetic music)