(applause) Welcome to our show this evening!

Aside from Vicki and Lyle and Harvey, our very special guests are Tim Conway and a lady I've never worked with before and I'm absolutely thrilled that she's with us.

The one and only queen of musical comedy, Miss Ethel Merman is with us.

(applause) She's a marvelous girl.

We do a duet later on at the end of the show together, and it's the first time that they've ever had to favor me with the microphone.

I always thought I was the loudest singer in the world, but I sound like Julie London next to Ethel.

Can we turn on the lights so we can talk to the audience before we start?

(gasping) -Yes, sir!

-I have a button here for you to wear for when Lyle comes out.

(Carol) You have a button?

What does it say?

-For when Lyle comes out?

-Yeah.

-What does it say?

-"You can kiss me all you want, I'm non-fattening!"

(laughing) Can I get it from you later?

That's very sweet, thank you!

-Yes?

-When do you come on in Chicago?

When do I come on in Chicago?

First chance I ever get.

(laughing) Oh, what time is the program on in Chicago?

I don't know!

Are you from Chicago?

-I am!

-Why don't you know?

-I don't know-- -You don't watch us in Chicago?

(woman) I watch it every week, but I forgot!

Oh, Monday night at 9 o'clock we're on in Chicago.

(woman) Why do you always pull your ear when you're performing?

That's a signal to my grandmother, who raised me--the lady asked why I always pull my ear.

She raised me, and when I first went to New York about 11, 12 years ago, had my first job, she said, "Will you say hello to me?"

And I explained that, you know, we're not allowed to say, "Hi, Nanny," on television, so we worked out this signal of pulling the earlobe, which meant, "Hi, I'm fine.

Your check is on the way."

(laughing) This earlobe was measured by a fellow writer from Life Magazine a few years ago, and it's longer than this earlobe from pulling it so much for about 10 years.

-Yes?

-Are you going to be on any series as a guest like Mission Impossible, -something like that?

-I would love to be on Mission Impossible.

That's one of my favorite shows in the world, but I've done a few trade-offs this season already, you know, on our weeks off, and I don't really-- I did Gomer Pyle a couple of weeks ago and that'll be on in a month or two, but nothing for the rest of the season.

Do you think I'd be good for Mission Impossible?

-Yes.

-Why?

(man) I was thinking of when they put your makeup on.

(laughing) Oh, I see, they show me putting my makeup on and call it Mission Impossible.

(laughing) Got a good group here today!

Are you with the boy next to you?

I see, yeah, uh-huh?

(man) Are you gonna be on next season?

Yes, unless--yes, unless you know something I don't.

(man) I mean, earlier or later or what?

(Carol) We'll probably be on the same time.

They're thinking about switching us to after Sermonette.

(indistinct remarks) -What dear?

-Sometimes I fall asleep-- (Carol) Sometimes you fall asleep during our show.

(laughing) Sometimes we do, I'll tell you.

I'd like to bring out our first guest this evening to say hi to you, the lovely Mr. Tim Conway.

(applause) You have any questions you might like-- the gentlemen there who falls asleep during our show wants to ask you a question.

How old are you?

(laughing) (man) When did you lose your hair?

(Tim) When did I lose my hair?

Funny little man, isn't he?

Uh, I still have it, really.

Yeah, it's home in a box--what?

No, this is all drawn in, really.

It's kind of tattooed in.

(man) I mean, are you gonna get a wig?

(Tim) Could we do this all night--what, hmm?

Am I gonna get a wig?

I don't think so, are you?

(laughing) Let's go down and get it together.

-You know, I don't think so.

-Actually, I think bald men are sexy.

-But then what do I know?

-Would you like to go out?

-Go out?

-Yes.

Hmm.

(Carol) There's Tim's wife.

Would you stand up and take a bow, Mary Anne Conway?

(applause) And look who's here this evening: -Ernie Anderson!

-Oh!

(cheering and applause) (Carol) Any other questions?

Yes?

(boy) When is Tim gonna have a new series?

(Tim) When am I gonna have a new series?

I have a contract with CBS, and I will have a new series here on this very station in 1970.

However, the contract is just for a half an hour, so it'll have to make it within that.

(applause) CBS doesn't know about the contract yet.

(laughing) -I'd better go get dressed!

-Yes!

Not that he's-- (applause) Tim will be back shortly.

In the meantime, I would like to bring out our very special guest this evening, the one and only, Ethel Merman.

(applause) It's such a pleasure to have her on the show, and as I said before, it was the first time we've ever worked together and it's a delight.

You have any questions you might want to ask Ethel?

Yes!

(woman) How do you stay so young and beautiful?

(Ethel) Oh, I don't know, I just live right, I don't know.

Or wrong, maybe!

(laughing) (Carol) Ethel!

Yes, sir, you're gonna ask another dirty question?

(laughing) (man) Ethel, how did you enjoy making love to Tyrone Power in Alexander's Ragtime Band?

(Ethel) Oh, but it wasn't long enough!

I just had that short scene in the alley and it was raining.

(laughing and applause) (Carol) Any other questions?

Yes?

(man) Who is your favorite leading man?

(Carol) Who's your favorite leading man?

(Ethel) Oh, I must say-- well, first, I must say my favorite show, which was Gypsy, and my favorite leading man was Jack Klugman, because Gypsy was sort of a challenge to me.

Gypsy could have easily been a straight play.

It was really a play and with the music written by Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim made it that much more important, but I must say Jack Klugman, because he is such a great, dramatic actor, and we had some very dramatic moments in the show, and it was sort of a challenge for me -to play opposite him.

-That's very ni-- -he is a great actor.

-Yes, he is.

(Carol) Any others?

Any other questions?

Okay, don't go away, we'll be right back.

(applause) (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood... (jazzy music) ♪ ...it's The Carol Burnett Show!

(applause) I would like to say...

I wanna say right here and now that Tim Conway is one of my favorite comedians and it's always fun-- a fun week for all of us whenever he's on the show.

And here's Tim with our own Harvey Korman as a brand new dentist with his very first patient.

(applause) (dramatic music) ♪ (nurse) Right this way, Mr. Slesinger.

-Thank you.

-It always seems to happen -on a Sunday, doesn't it?

-Oh, boy, I tell ya, it really hurts.

Dr. Keefer will be with you in a minute.

(Mr. Slesinger) Dr. Keefer, what happened to Dr. Burmar?

(nurse) Oh, he's out of town.

He's breaking in a new partner, his son-in-law!

-Doesn't hurt that much.

-You won't find another dentist on a Sunday.

(Mr. Slesinger) Yeah, I guess you're right.

You sure he knows what he's doing?

(nurse) Dr. Keefer just graduated from dental school.

As a matter of fact, you're his very first patient, so he may be a little nervous!

(Mr. Slesinger) He won't be the only one.

-Dr. Keefer?

-Yes?

-Your first patient is waiting!

-Ahh!

(laughing) -He's still here.

-Doctor, he's waiting.

(Dr. Keefer) Oh, yeah, oh, boy.

I thought we were just gonna come in and practice today!

I didn't know we were gonna-- (nurse) He'll be right with you.

-Hello.

-Hello, Doctor.

(Dr. Keefer) Well, that'll be $20.

(Mr. Slesinger) Twenty dollars, you haven't done anything yet.

-Fifteen, maybe?

-Look, Doctor, please listen to me, I have a terrible toothache.

I am in terrible pain.

I want you to do something to stop the pain.

Either fill the tooth or pull it!

(Dr. Keefer) Oh, gosh!

Uh, well, I--Cs.

-Cs?

-Yeah, see, in dental school in filling and pulling, I only got Cs!

That was just kind of an average grade.

I got As in cleaning, though.

You want me to clean it for ya?

-Will it stop the pain?

-No, but it'll look great!

I could polish it right up.

(Mr. Slesinger) Give me the Cs, give me the Cs.

(Dr. Keefer) Oh, boy.

Gosh... -What?

-I cheated on my final.

And besides, I had mononucleosis the last semester, so I didn't get a chance to work on people like the other guys.

Most of my work was just done with animals.

(Dr. Slesinger) I don't care about animals, just please fix this tooth!

(Dr. Keefer) Yeah, but it isn't the same working on animals and people.

-I-- -Doctor, I don't care!

Please, I'm in terrible pain!

-Yeah.

-Please.

(Dr. Keefer) Well, I'll give it a try.

(whistling) -What's this?

-It's a doggy treat.

You wanna go outside for a while?

-No, I'm fine, thank you.

-Oh, good boy, good boy, okay.

(Mr. Slesinger) Please, Doctor, please do something about this tooth!

(Dr. Keefer) Yeah, right, well, I guess you'd better wash up.

Or I'd better wash up!

No sense in you washing up.

You wouldn't be putting your hand in my mouth, so I'll just--I'll wash up.

There we go.

Uh...

Uh.

Say, say, did you hear the one about the guy who had an electric toothbrush?

He used to brush after every meal and then see his electrician twice a year.

♪ Brush, brush, brush your teeth ♪ ♪ Brush 'em every day ♪ Mother, sister, brother, father ♪ ♪ Brush 'em every way ♪ School song.

-Ah.

-Well, let's just have an old look at that here.

Excuse me a minute.

Just let's see now.

Oh, on second thought, I don't think I will take a look at it.

-Now what?

-Well, my mother gave me these -for graduation.

-So what?

Well, you're gonna get 'em all icky.

-No, I won't, no, I won't.

-Okay.

Maybe we could just wait till it falls out, you know.

-Please, please, Doctor!

-Okay.

-Ah.

-Mhm.

Ah, see, I was right.

-What?

-Well, you got it all icky.

Here you go, better rinse out a little bit.

There you go.

(groaning) I don't have a bowl.

Mom was gonna get me that, too, but she just ordered it.

It won't be here till Tuesday.

You wanna wait till Tuesday?

You don't wanna wait, huh?

-Okay.

-Doctor, please, please, get this--get this tooth out of my mouth now!

(Dr. Keefer) Let's see, now, if we're gonna pull her out, we'll have to have those pully things.

The pullies and, let's see, pinchy things, and the little picky things.

There.

Pinchy, picky, pully!

I'll get my manual, just a minute on that.

All right, here.

Okay, now, let's see, we wanna pull your tooth out.

P, P, P-U, P-U-L, P-U-L-L.

Pull tooth, T, T-O, T-O-O, T-O-O-T-H, here we are.

Pull your tooth out.

Boy, this is gonna hurt.

(Mr. Slesinger) Doctor, if it's gonna hurt, please give me something to kill the pain.

(Dr. Keefer) Yeah, okay, well, I've got some Novocaine right here.

Just hold onto that now, let's see how this works here.

Okay, Novocaine, here we are, Novocaine.

"Take a firm hold of the hypodermic needle," right.

Ah!

"There'll be a little bit of pain, and then numbness will set in."

Well, I guess we'll get right to it.

I'll just give you a little shot here.

I'll be right with you.

(fly buzzing) Better look at it a little closer with the light.

Sorry, I didn't, uh... Oh, well, now that'll be $20.

That'll be $40.

(applause) (dramatic music) ♪ I'm very proud to introduce the one and only Ms. Ethel Merman.

(applause) (orchestral music) ♪ ♪ You might have heard my footsteps ♪ ♪ Through the long abandoned ruins ♪ ♪ Of the dreams you left behind ♪ ♪ I might have even called your name ♪ ♪ As I ran searching ♪ After something to believe in ♪ ♪ Don't be concerned ♪ Nothing will harm you ♪ It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of ♪ ♪ Across my dream ♪ With nets of wonder ♪ I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love ♪ ♪ ♪ It's knowing you don't try to buy my freedom ♪ ♪ With some promise made of gold ♪ ♪ That for you, my door stays open ♪ ♪ And our love becomes a simple two-way street ♪ ♪ ♪ And it's knowing we're not shackled ♪ ♪ By forgotten words and bonds ♪ And the ink stains that have dried upon sunlight ♪ ♪ ♪ That keeps you on the back roads ♪ ♪ By the rivers of my memory ♪ That keeps you ever gentle on my mind ♪ ♪ ♪ It's not clinging to the rocks and ivy ♪ ♪ Planted on some column now ♪ That binds us ♪ ♪ Or something that somebody said ♪ ♪ Because they thought we fit together walking ♪ ♪ ♪ It's just knowing that the world ♪ ♪ Will not be cursing or forgiving ♪ ♪ When I'm drifting through the marketplace and find ♪ ♪ ♪ That you're moving on the back roads ♪ ♪ By the rivers of my memory ♪ And for hours, you're just gentle on my mind ♪ ♪ ♪ Though the wheat fields and the clothes lines ♪ ♪ And the junkyards and the highways come between us ♪ ♪ ♪ And some other woman crying to her mother ♪ ♪ Oh, she turned and you were gone ♪ ♪ ♪ I still might walk for hours ♪ Tears of joy might stain my face ♪ ♪ And a summer sun might burn me till I'm blind ♪ ♪ But not to where I cannot see you ♪ ♪ Moving on the back roads ♪ By the rivers flowing gentle on my mind ♪ ♪ ♪ The shutters creak in autumn winds ♪ ♪ That make me draw inside myself in silence ♪ ♪ ♪ Cross-legged now I sit and watch the endless chase of leaves across my yard ♪ ♪ ♪ And laying down my hairbrush ♪ I lean back within my window seat and find ♪ ♪ That you're moving on the back roads ♪ ♪ By the rivers of my memory ♪ Ever smiling ever gentle on my mind ♪ ♪ Across my dream ♪ With nets of wonder ♪ I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love ♪ (applause) (upbeat music) ♪ Oh, hi, Wilma!

-What are you doing?

-Oh, hi, Bonnie!

I'm getting ready to go on tonight for Miss Larsen.

(Bonnie) Oh, come on, you mean our star isn't gonna make it for closing night?

-That's right.

-I don't believe it, Lillian Larsen's never missed a performance in her life!

(Wilma) Well, she's gonna miss this one.

You see this atomizer throat spray of hers?

-You didn't!

-Mhm.

One spritz and she'll have to wait for silent movies to come back.

(laughing) (Bonnie) Gee, Wilma, what'd she ever do to you?

(Wilma) She stayed healthy.

I've been in the chorus and I've been her understudy for 858 performances and she never missed one, not one single one!

I've learned this part of Fanny backwards!

Well, this is it, Bonnie, this is it, my last chance, and I promise you, before this show closes tonight, they'll all be applauding my Fanny.

(Lillian) ♪ They say that falling in love is wonderful ♪ (Wilma) Here comes Godzilla now, get out.

(Lillian) ♪ So they say ♪ There's no business like show business ♪ ♪ Like no business I know ♪ Really gets ya, don't it, huh?

-Right here.

-Yeah.

Well, another closing night.

Oh, you've been such a jewel, really, and you've been through this entire run.

There you've been, paying attention to me every moment, and I just don't know what I would have done without you.

I will never, never forget you, so I want you to have this!

This Lillian Larsen album.

(Wilma) Oh, no, for me?

Oh, gee, I don't deserve it!

(Lillian) Oh, yes, you do!

There you've been standing by all the time, and don't think I haven't noticed!

I will never, never, never, never, never forget you!

Oh, now, "With deepest affection, from Lillian to--" what's your name?

(Wilma) Mary Martin.

(Lillian) To Mary Martin.

Oh, if you're gonna make it in show business, kid, you've gotta get rid of that name, it's got nothing!

Here.

Oh, me, me, me, me, me!

Oh, my throat is so dry!

(Wilma) Oh, wait, I'll get your throat spray -for you, Miss Larsen.

-Oh, you're such a good kid!

Thank you so much, thank you!

(Wilma) Open wide now!

Wider, that's it, let's get it in there every which way we can get it in there down to the tippy tippy toes.

Now how do you feel?

(Lillian) ♪ I can do anything better than you ♪ Well, I guess I'd better be getting dressed!

Yes.

(clanging) (doorknob rattling) (singing) ♪ What say, let's be buddies ♪ What say, let's be pals ♪ Would you mind please lacing up my corset?

(Wilma) Oh, not at all, Miss Larsen.

Let me help you here.

(Lillian) Please, not so tight, I can't breathe!

(Wilma) That's the idea!

No, what I mean is, you've got such a great figure, and I want you to look your best out there!

-I can lace it tighter!

-Oh, no, you can't!

(Wilma) Oh, yes, I can!

(Lillian) Are you all right?

Oh, yes!

Yes, I'm just fine.

Uh-huh, yes, I'm just fine!

-Ms. Larsen?

-Yes?

Would you like me to comb your hair for you?

-Oh, I'd love you to!

-Good!

Now, why don't you come out here and sit where the light is good.

(Lillian) Oh, thank you so much!

I don't know what I'd do without you!

You're such a dear.

-Now, make it flat on top.

-I'm trying.

(Lillian) That's enough, that's enough, that's enough, that's enough.

(singing) (thudding) (knocking) -Ten minutes to curtain!

-Oh, okay!

Oh, I'd better get moving!

Oooh!

Don't you think it's a bit stuffy in here?

(Wilma) Yeah, yeah, it is a little stuffy.

I'll open the window.

(soft singing) -Oh, Ms. Larsen?

-Yes?

You should see the beautiful moon tonight.

Yes, it's gorgeous, come on!

Take a gander at the beautiful moon.

Yes, see the moon, isn't the moon lovely?

(Lillian) Yes.

Where did she go?

♪ Oh, it's a lovely day today ♪ ♪ So whatever you've got to do ♪ (singing) Oh, there you are!

You look pale, are you all right?

-I'm fine.

-Oh, that's good, because I've got a big surprise for you!

-You have?

-Yes, I've been thinking that hardworking young people deserve a break, and you've been such a loyal and devoted understudy that I've decided to let you go on in my place tonight!

-You'd do that for me?

-Yes, and you can still keep my album!

I understand that there's a talent scout out front!

-There is?

-Yes, good luck, Mary!

♪ You don't need analyzing ♪ (applause) I can't believe it!

I'm actually gonna go on tonight!

I'll be a big star!

Oh, where are those wigs of hers?

(Bonnie) Where is Ms. Larsen going?

-What happened, Wilma?

-Oh, Bonnie!

You'll never believe this, it's the greatest thing in the world!

She's letting me go on in her place tonight.

And guess what?

There's a talent scout out front!

Isn't that the greatest news you ever heard?

(Bonnie) It certainly is.

(Wilma) Hey!

♪ Anything you can do, I can do better ♪ -No, you can't!

-Oh, yes, I can!

(applause) (knocking) (dramatic music) (announcer) And now, back to the second half of The Carol Burnett Show, brought to you by Colgate 100, the mouthwash for lovers.

♪ We're all very proud of our choreographer Ernie Flatt and all of our dancers, who are absolutely marvelous, and we're especially proud of our own little Vicki Lawrence.

Last year, she was hired mainly to play my sister in the sketches, and she's really grown as a performer and here she is to do a dance for you, choreographed by Ernie with all our dancers.

Miss Vicki Lawrence.

(applause) (playful music) ♪ (applause) (mysterious music) (thunder crashing) ♪ (door creaking) Hello?

He-he-hello?

Hello?

-Hello?

-Ahh!

(Carol) Oh, oh, I'm terribly sorry!

I thought you were a ghost!

(Tim) If you'd have shut the door a little harder, I would've been.

(Carol) Are you here tonight for the reading of Uncle Arnold's will?

(Harold) Yes, yes, I'm Harold Abbott.

I'm an eighth cousin twice removed.

(Lucy) Oh, how do you do?

I'm Lucy Henkel, I'm a ninth cousin -thrice removed.

-Oh, good.

(Lucy) I, uh--I wonder where the rest of the relatives are.

Hello?

(Harold) Hello?

(door creaking) (man) Hello!

The others are on the way.

I'm the family lawyer, Smathers, of Emerson, Kissinger, Miriam... (snoring) ...Lilienthal, and Smathers.

I'm the junior partner.

(Lucy) Um, tell me, Mr. Smathers, -how did Uncle Arnold die?

-He died of heart failure.

His heart failed last night when the bullet hit him.

(Lucy) You mean Uncle Arnold was mur--mur-- -mur-- -I'll help ya.

Dered, dered, dered?

(Harold) Well, I wonder who could have killed Uncle Arnold?

(Smathers) Anybody who stands to inherit the estate!

-You, you... -Oh!

Or them.

-Or them?

-Or them!

(Lucy) Who's them?

(man) Hello there.

I'm George.

(Lucy) He couldn't have killed Uncle Arnold.

(Sister) Hello there, I'm George's sister.

(Harold) She couldn't have killed Uncle Arnold.

Unless it was a sex crime.

(Sister) I just know I'm going to inherit the entire estate.

Uncle Arnold always said I was unbelievably beautiful and had a gorgeous figure.

(George) He said the same thing about me.

(grunting) (Smathers) Let's get on with the reading of the will.

Come on, we don't have any time, let's get going.

We haven't got all night!

Time is of the essence.

This is the last will and testament of your late Uncle Arnold.

I, Arnold Foinsby, being of sound mind and body, hereby divide my entire fortune and estate between those of my heirs who remain in this house for a period of 24 hours.

(snoring) (Lucy) I don't like the sound of that.

(dog barking and howling) Or that.

I don't want to stay.

(Harold) Now, don't worry, that was just a dog!

Why, what could happen here in the house?

(George) Shall we go to our rooms?

It's going to be a long night.

For some of us.

(thunder clattering) (Harold) Come on, let's get outta here.

(Lucy) It's locked, Mr. Abbott!

(Harold) I'll break it down.

(grunting) -Sorry, sorry, didn't-- -That's all right.

You know, if you'd hit the door, you might've hurt yourself.

(Harold) Here, I'll kick it in.

(Lucy) Oh!

It's all right.

(Harold) Hey, old man, the door's locked, we can't leave!

None of us can leave!

Not for 24 hours.

If we're still alive.

(chittering laughter) (creaking) (Lucy) Look!

(Harold) Well, I guess we'd better go upstairs with the rest of 'em.

(Lucy) Upstairs!

Oh, no, no.

I'm not going to stay alone all night.

(Harold) Oh, you won't be alone, I'll be there.

I mean, standing outside the door, standing guard.

(thunder clattering) (Lucy) Oh, I'm so frightened.

There must be some way out of here.

-I got it!

-What?

(Harold) The old panel that the old lawyer went through.

(Lucy) Yes, it was here!

(Harold) I think he turned something over here, didn't he?

(Lucy) Yes, he did.

(Harold) Or maybe he pushed a button or something.

There must've been something over here-- (speaking gibberish) (yelling gibberish) -Who is it?

-It's one of our relatives.

(Harold) Well, maybe he can tell us how to get out of here.

(Lucy) I don't think so.

(groaning) -Oh, dear, who did it?

-It was... oooh, eee, ahhh... (grunting) (Lucy) Do we know anyone... Do we know anyone... Do we know anyone by the name of "ooh ee ah"?

(Harold) I don't think so.

-Wait!

-What?

-Got it again.

-What?

(Harold) The phone, we should have thought of that!

Hello, operator?

Operator, listen, there's been a murder here.

Get the police over right away, we're being held captive.

(Lucy) The wire's been cut!

(Harold) Operator, you gotta hurry, the wire's been cut!

(Lucy) It's no use, Mr. Abbott, she can't hear you!

(Harold) Forget it, you can't hear me.

(Lucy) I can't stay here, not with him in the room!

-Yeah.

-Listen!

(footsteps) Listen, Harold, it's the murderer!

-And I know who it is!

-Who?

(Harold) It's that good-looking cousin George.

-Him?

-Him!

(Lucy) What a waste.

I don't think it's him.

I think it's that no good, good-looking sister of his!

That's who I think it is.

I didn't like her from the moment I saw her.

(footsteps) Listen!

(door creaking) You did it!

(Harold) Murderer!

(Lucy) I guess it wasn't her after all.

That leaves only one other relative -or that old lawyer!

-Yeah.

(gasping) Well, that leaves the last relative.

-Let's find him.

-Yeah.

Listen!

(footsteps) (door creaking) -Now everyone is dead.

-Yeah.

Everyone but you and I.

-You know what--excuse me.

-Excuse me.

(Harold) You know what that means, don't you?

-What, Harold?

-Well, one of us -is the murderer.

-Oh, gee, just when we were getting along so well.

(Harold) Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Let's be logical about this.

Now, I'm innocent, how about you?

(Lucy) Are you kidding?

This is practically my first date.

(Harold) Well, then who could be the murderer?

(Lucy) I don't know, someone else, but who?

(Harold) More steps!

(Smathers) All right, turn around, and no quick moves.

Yes, I'm the murderer!

There's a little clause in the will that says if none of the inheritors are alive, I, C.R.B.

Smathers inherit everything.

-You!

-Yes.

Say your prayers!

(Harold) Now I lay me down to sleep... (Smathers) That's enough!

Now you're gonna get it!

(gunshot) Another inch to the left and it would have glanced off one of my arteries.

(Lucy) Oh, Harold, my hero!

(gunshots) Oh, Harold.

(applause) (vibrant music) (in unison) ♪ The one, two, three, one, two, three, one of the waltz may enchant you ♪ ♪ We grant you ♪ And the groovy rhythm of a rock beat ♪ ♪ May have your head completely turned ♪ (Ethel) ♪ Or the blues may tickle your ear ♪ ♪ And be all you're wanting to hear ♪ (in unison) ♪ But as far as we're concerned ♪ ♪ There's just no tune ♪ As exciting ♪ As a showtune ♪ In 2/4 ♪ When it's played, you can you just tell ♪ ♪ There's footlights everywhere ♪ ♪ When it's played, you can just smell the greasepaint in the air ♪ (Ethel) ♪ It's a smart beat (Carol) ♪ Gets your toes a-tappin' (Ethel) ♪ That's inviting (Carol) ♪ And your fingers snapping (Ethel) ♪ It's the heartbeat (Carol) ♪ It gets you here -♪ Of the score -♪ As we said before (in unison) ♪ There's just no tune ♪ As exciting ♪ As a show tune ♪ In 2/4 ♪ We feel a song coming on ♪ And we're warning ya ♪ It's a victorious, happy, and glorious new strain ♪ ♪ From this moment on ♪ No more blue songs ♪ Only hoop-dee-doo songs (in unison) ♪ From this moment on (Ethel) ♪ Luck be a lady tonight (Carol) ♪ Poor Johnny one note (Ethel) ♪ Luck be a lady tonight ♪ Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with ♪ (in unison) ♪ Luck be a lady tonight (Ethel) ♪ Who stole your heart away (Carol) ♪ Who makes me dream all day (Ethel) ♪ Dreams I know will never come true ♪ (Carol) ♪ Never come true, what'll I do ♪ ♪ There's something due any day ♪ ♪ You will know it right away (Ethel) ♪ Soon as it shows (Carol) ♪ So get me to the church (Ethel) ♪ I'll get you to the church (Carol) ♪ For Pete's sake, get me to the church on time ♪ (Ethel) ♪ When you're down and out ♪ Lift up your head and shout ♪ There's gonna be a great day (Carol) ♪ When you're down and out ♪ Lift up your hands and shout (in unison) ♪ There's gonna be a great day (Ethel) ♪ Folks are dumb where I come from ♪ ♪ They ain't had any learnin' (Carol) ♪ Still they're happy as can be ♪ ♪ Doing what comes naturally (in unison) ♪ Doing what comes naturally (Ethel) ♪ June is bustin' out all over ♪ (Carol) ♪ I can't say no -♪ Oh, I -♪ I got rhythm ♪ I got music ♪ I got my man, who could ask for anything more ♪ -♪ Oh, I -♪ The hills are alive ♪ With the sound of music -Now, cut that out!

-Mary Martin said -you'd love it.

-She did?

(Carol) She did.

(Ethel) ♪ There is nothing you can name ♪ ♪ That is anything like a dame ♪ (Carol) ♪ Hello, Dolly ♪ Well, hello, Dolly (Ethel) Hold it, hold it, hold it.

(Carol) Carol Channing has to be remembered.

(Ethel) Swell, but didn't you ever see any of my shows?

(Carol) Oh, were you ever in a show?

(Ethel) Of course!

(Carol) Ethel, I'm putting you on.

I'm your biggest fan.

(clearing throat) ♪ Things look swell -Now you're talking!

-♪ Things look great (Ethel) Boy, you're loud.

(Carol) ♪ Gonna have the whole world on a plate ♪ -♪ Starting here -Don't I get a line?

(Carol) ♪ Starting now, Ethel (in unison) ♪ Everything's coming up roses (Ethel) ♪ Curtain up ♪ Light the lights ♪ We got nothin' to hit but the heights ♪ (Carol) ♪ You're supreme (Ethel) ♪ It's my face (Carol) ♪ As a team (Ethel) ♪ Aw, we'll be great (in unison) ♪ That lucky star we talk about is due ♪ ♪ Everything's coming up roses ♪ Show tunes live even when a show closes ♪ ♪ Broadway Rhythm, Of Thee I Sing ♪ ♪ I Say This is My Lucky Day ♪ Hallelujah, Love is Sweeping the Country ♪ ♪ Swanee ♪ I Feel a Song Coming On ♪ Sunny ♪ Just Say One of Those Crazy Things ♪ ♪ Another Opening, Another Show ♪ ♪ Ridin' High, From This Moment On ♪ ♪ Toot, Toot, Tootsie, Strike Up the Band ♪ ♪ Rio Rita ♪ Who, who cares ♪ Luck be a lady tonight ♪ There's no business like I've got rhythm ♪ ♪ And everything's coming up roses for me ♪ ♪ And for you ♪ (applause) (announcer) Be sure to join us next week when Carol's guests will be Martha Raye and Mel Tormé.

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ Piano player sounds drunk.

♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes a time we have to say so long ♪ Goodnight.

(applause) (jazzy music) ♪ (applause continues) ♪ (announcer) Dental equipment courtesy of Cultural Dynamics.

♪ (drum roll) (applause) (upbeat music) ♪