(applause) It's very nice to see you all here.

I think we've got a marvelous show for you this evening.

Aside from Lyle Waggoner and Harvey Korman, our very special guests are Miss Nanette Fabray, Mr. Mel Tormé, and Mr. Don Rickles.

(applause) And I see Ernie Anderson out in the audience.

Hi, Ernie.

(applause) Good to see you.

I'd like to bring out a very special guest this evening.

Mr.

Warmth himself... Don Rickles.

(applause) Take it away, Don.

(laughing) I have something to tell about Don that I don't think too many people know.

He was recently voted one of the three best dressed men in show business.

(Don chuckles) (applause) I have to--I've-- I think there was an oversight in that list.

He was voted along with Frank Sinatra and Don Adams, and I think that they left one person off, our announcer, Lyle Waggoner.

Lyle?

(applause) Now that is one beautiful tuxedo.

(Lyle) Thank you, Miss Burnett.

(Carol) Just because you're so formal, you don't have to act that way.

(Lyle) I'm just kidding, Carol.

(Carol) It's a warm tuxedo, too.

(Don) How about if I just get an army cot and go away?

(Lyle) Who's the short, bald-headed guy here?

(Don) Oh, see what I mean?

Handsome man, and right away, he turned on me, Carol.

Am I right or wrong?

I want--I want you to know this.

I mean this, Lyle.

We met backstage.

I'm fed up with you, Lyle.

I mean that, you got a perfect body, but I've seen you in the shower and the soap walked away.

(laughing) Jolly perfect.

This is the type of guy that could be on Guam and doesn't perspire and goes, "How's the body, Harry?"

(laughing) I kid you, Lyle.

We're gonna get you in a car crash.

(Lyle) I'm sorry, Don, if I offended you.

(Don) No, you didn't, Lyle.

(Lyle) Well, I want to ask you one question.

Who cut your hair?

Geronimo?

(Don) "Who cut my hair?

Geronimo?"

Would you give me a minute, folks?

(laughing) I'm gonna put a flag in your navel and start the parade.

Lyle, I kid you, Lyle.

You're a handsome man.

When the good Lord gave out looks, he probably skipped my crib.

(laughing) Where are you from, my dear?

-New York.

-New York?

Bless you.

I'm from Jackson Heights, Long Island.

Whereabouts in New York?

-Manhattan.

-Manhattan, very nice.

-And where are you from?

-Norway.

(Don) Norway!

Oh, let me see your papers.

(laughing) You like it here at the cannery?

(Carol) Don't go away, we'll be right back.

(applause) (upbeat music) ♪ (applause) ♪ ♪ (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood, it's The Carol Burnett Show, brought to you by: Heavy-Duty Cold Power Powder.

Gets out the worst kind of dirt in cold water.

Germproofs, too.

(violin music) ♪ (laughing) (laughing) (groans) (applause) (laughing) (Millie) I wonder if you'd mind helping me up.

(laughing) -Millie?

-Felicia?

(Felicia) Honey, I haven't seen you in ages!

-Oh, hi.

-Oh, here.

Let me help you up.

Just grab hold of this.

(Millie) Gee, thanks.

Oh, thank you.

-Oh!

-Oh.

Muah!

Muah!

-How are you?

-Very good.

Oh, but I didn't know you were pregnant.

(Millie) I'm keeping it a secret.

(Felicia) Oh.

(Millie) Yeah.

What about you?

-What month are you in?

-I'm going into my second.

(laughing) -You're so big.

-I know.

I'm going to ask the doctor if I can start jogging.

(Millie) Yeah.

-Hello, ladies.

-Hi.

(nurse) The doctor will be with you shortly.

(Millie) Oh, good, I hope so 'cause I'm getting married at 5:00.

(nurse) Really, Mrs. Evans.

Please sit down.

(Millie) "Please sit down," that's easy for her to say.

-Here, honey, I'll lower away.

-Good idea.

Thank you.

-Oh, what about you?

-I have a system.

Just put it there and then I'll just kind of lower... Ah, thanks, honey.

(sighing) Oh, here, here, here.

(Millie) Oh, thanks.

(laughing) You know, I must say, you are looking absolutely great!

(Felicia) Oh, but, honey, I weigh a ton and I don't know why.

(Millie) Well, what have you been eating?

(Felicia) Just steak, cottage cheese, fruit, and hardboiled eggs.

-Well, that's all right.

-Plus my regular meals.

What about you?

(Millie) Well, I'm either overweight or I'm having a 40-pound baby.

(Felicia) Oh, but, you know, I don't know what it is, but I've just been so tense these last few days, these weeks.

(Millie) Well, that happens all the time, especially with the first baby.

(Felicia) This will be my fifth.

(Millie) Your fifth?

You're kidding.

How many do you want?

Two.

(laughing) -What have you got?

-Three boys.

(Felicia) Aw, and I bet you want a girl this time, huh?

(Millie) Yeah, sure do, with red hair just like mine.

(Felicia) Better be born in a beauty parlor.

(laughing) Oh, now I remember why we haven't seen each other in so long.

(Felicia) Millie, has old Dr. Zazlow delivered all your children?

(Millie) Oh, yes, I wouldn't trust anybody but old Dr. Zazlow.

(Felicia) Mm-hm.

Old Dr. Zazlow not only delivered all of my children, but did you know -he delivered me?

-No.

I didn't know old Dr. Zazlow was that old.

(laughing) (Felicia) You haven't changed.

You know, he's 93 now.

But I have so much confidence in Dr. Zazlow.

I just wouldn't let anybody else near me.

Except him.

(laughing) (Dr. Dylan) Oh, hello, ladies, I'm Dr. Dylan, Dr. Zazlow's new assistant.

(Felicia) Oh, hello.

Are my seams straight?

(Millie) Well, your seams are straight, but you got on two different shoes.

Oh.

(Dr. Dylan) Oh, here, let me help you with that.

We don't want you to bend down in your condition.

(Millie) What condition?

(laughing) (Felicia) Is Dr. Zazlow very busy?

(Dr. Dylan) Well, he's still at the hospital, but if he's not back soon, I'll be glad to check your weight and blood pressure.

(Millie) Oh, thank you.

My blood pressure just went up.

(Felicia) Isn't he adorable?

(Millie) I wonder if he's a good doctor.

(Felicia) Who cares?

Oh, good afternoon, ladies, I'm sorry I'm late.

(Felicia) Oh, Dr. Zazlow, the hospital just called.

The hospital called, they have an emergency.

(Dr. Zazlow) Oh, I'll run right over.

(laughing) (applause) (Millie) Nice work, Felicia.

-Dr. Dylan?

-Wait a minute, I had the first appointment.

(Felicia) No, dear, mine was... (horn music) ♪ I am very pleased tonight to be able to introduce to you one of the most talented, charming, adorable, sweet guys in this whole world: Mr. Mel Tormé.

(applause) (upbeat music) ♪ ♪ Take a letter, Miss Jones, if you please ♪ ♪ Begin it "My dearest Louise, this may not surprise you, but I idolize you" ♪ ♪ Miss Jones ♪ ♪ Please cover your knees ♪ ♪ ♪ Take a letter, Miss Jones, if you will ♪ ♪ And tell her that I've little skill ♪ ♪ In ways of romancing and dining and dancing ♪ ♪ Miss Jones ♪ ♪ Please try to sit still ♪ ♪ ♪ Tell her how much I love her ♪ ♪ Hope that she feels the same ♪ ♪ My goodness, Miss Jones, I just realized ♪ ♪ I don't even know your first name ♪ ♪ Take a letter and phrase it as such ♪ ♪ And give it your own special touch ♪ ♪ Reword it, revise it, and capitalize it ♪ ♪ Miss Jones ♪ ♪ You're really too much ♪ ♪ ♪ Take a letter, Miss Jones, like you're told ♪ ♪ And forgive me if I'm acting bold ♪ ♪ You know, I never make passes, but without your glasses ♪ ♪ Miss Jones ♪ ♪ You're a sight to behold ♪ ♪ ♪ Hey, tell her how much I love her ♪ ♪ Tell her how much I care ♪ ♪ My goodness, Miss Jones, I really must say ♪ ♪ That's exciting perfume that you wear ♪ ♪ Take a letter, Miss Jones, get it right ♪ ♪ And fill it with words of delight ♪ ♪ And after you style it, you may as well file it ♪ ♪ Miss Jones ♪ ♪ You're clear out of sight ♪ ♪ Miss Jones ♪ ♪ Are you busy ♪ ♪ Tonight ♪ ♪ Have you met ♪ ♪ ♪ Miss Jones ♪ (applause) One afternoon last week, I went into a store to buy a pair of shoes, and it seemed to me that the poor clerk was on the verge of a nervous breakdown because selling shoes to women is not the easiest job in the world, as illustrated for us now by Nanette Fabray, Harvey Korman, and Don Rickles.

Get out!

Get out and don't come back.

I'm warning you, don't come back.

You have fat feet, do you hear me?

Fat feet!

You don't need a shoe store!

You need a blacksmith!

Get out of here!

You're a heavy, old woman!

I don't want you in here no more!

Hear me, woman?

Hope your ankles swell up!

(laughing) Hm, "4.5, give me a 4.5."

Couldn't get a 4.5 on her big toe, that broad.

(Mr. Fonsworth) Rudy?

Oh, I got to control myself.

With this kind of hairline I won't get too many jobs.

Here he comes, it's time for a lecture.

Oh.

(laughing) (foot tapping) What?

Is there a train coming by?

What--what is it, Mr. Fonsworth, sir?

(Mr. Fonsworth) Rudy, that is the fifth customer you've insulted today.

(Rudy) Mr. Fonsworth, just for the record, just to be fair, you're wrong.

It happens to be the sixth.

The sixth, but I'm trying.

(Mr. Fonsworth) You fresh thing.

Now, look... -Mr. Fonsworth... -The Dainty Shoe Company has a reputation to uphold.

If there's one thing we cannot tolerate, it is sarcasm on part of a fresh salesperson.

(Rudy) Mr. Fonsworth, could I tell you something?

(Mr. Fonsworth) Mm.

(Rudy) You look so ravishing when you're angry.

(Mr. Fonsworth) All right, that's it.

You're fired!

(Rudy) Mr. Fonsworth, don't do that.

Oh, give me a break, Mr. Fonsworth!

I have car payments.

I have rent to pay.

I got a family, give me a break, Mr. Fonsworth.

Don't fire me!

I'll be polite, anything you want!

(Mr. Fonsworth) You certainly know how to make up to a person.

(laughing) Oh, very well, I'll give you one more chance.

(Rudy) Ah, Mr. Fonsworth, you crazy guy.

You're just a beautiful human being.

Don't let me stop.

(Mr. Fonsworth) Please, Rudy!

Getting it all chapped.

All right, just one more chance, but remember, one more slip and you're dismissed.

Why I ever gave up the beauty shop, I'll never know.

Oh, hi, won't you come in?

That guy Fonsworth is gonna make me crazy.

I can't take too much from that guy.

He'll make me completely nuts.

I just want to do my job and do it well, that's all.

(customer) What do you have to do to get waited on around here?

Mm.

Mm-hm-hm.

Okay.

Be nice, compose yourself, okay.

Hello, madam.

Sorry for the delay.

Would you like a nice pair of shoes?

(customer) No, I want a banana split.

This is a shoe store, isn't it?

Of course I want shoes.

(Rudy) Well, yes, ma'am, well, that's it.

Make yourself comfortable, if you would.

-Mm.

-I like this one better.

(Rudy) The customer is always right.

(chuckles) All righty, now.

Now, what can we put on those lovely, long legs of yours?

-Oh, really.

-Just being honest.

Now what'll it be?

(customer) Well, you know that ad that you ran -in the paper this morning?

-I know it well.

(customer) Yes, yes, the 3.98 special, the one with the slippers, the cute bunny fur?

(Rudy) The bunny fur, oh, the 3.98 special, I'll be right back.

Hippity-hoppity-hip.

The bunny fur is running through the woods.

The rabbits with their carrots.

(singing) Here they are, the little bunny fur skipping and hopping.

They're still hopping and skipping right in the box.

Here we are, your bunny fur slippers.

(customer) I don't like them.

(Rudy) You don't want the bunny fur slippers?

-They're cuddly.

-No, no, no.

I've got slippers.

What I do need is evening shoes.

-Evening shoes.

-Mm-hm, mm-hm.

(groaning) -What color?

-Well, you see, I have to go to this wedding.

This is the third one this month.

But, after all, this is my very best girlfriend-- -Madam... -You see, we met in high school and she went on to-- (Rudy) Madam, madam, I'm working on commission.

(customer) Yes, well, that's very interesting, but, you see, my problem is, is that she was my best friend.

(Rudy) L--l--l--lady.

L--l--lady.

Lady, l--l--lady.

L--l--lady!

Lady, what color shoes do you want?

(customer) Chartreuse.

What else goes with a chartreuse evening gown, dum-dum?

(groans) You don't have to measure me.

-I'm a 5AAA.

-5AAA.

All righty.

Dainty shoes for dainty feet.

(customer) You can cut out the soft soap.

I buy value, not compliments.

(Rudy) Mm, okay.

Don't go away, lady.

Don't go away, I'll be right back.

(grunting) Chartreuse.

Chartreuse, here it is, chartreuse.

I had to get in the shoe business.

I could've been a rocket scientist.

What?

What are you going on a hike?

(laughing) (customer) You were right, it is better over here.

Over there, there was a glare from your head.

(laughing) (Rudy) A glare from my head.

You dirty--oh!

A glare from my head.

Well, aren't these beautiful, dear?

(customer) They're gorgeous, but you know, I've just decided I'm going to wear my burgundy gown.

(Rudy) Your burgundy gown?

-The chartreuse is out?

-Yes.

Now, tell me, what goes with burgundy?

(Rudy) Cheese!

(customer) Don't be fresh.

I've changed my mind.

Just get me that same gorgeous shoe in black.

(Rudy) All right, all right.

I'll get you 5AAA in black.

(grunting) No, no, that could mean jail.

5AAA in black.

Boy, if I get any higher, I could leave the room.

(laughing) 5AAA in black.

-There we are.

-Okay, 5AAA in black.

(customer) Now just pull it off.

They're a little snug.

(Rudy) A little snug, huh?

(grunting) Snug, eh?

When was the last time you had these off?

(customer) Oh, come on, just pull!

(grunting) (laughing) You're right, lady, they're a 5AAA black.

Okay, here's your shoe, your 5AAA in black.

Boy, I'm telling you, I mean this from the bottom of my heart, do you want me to put these in the rack, or do you want me to go out and get an oil can?

(customer) Oh, now never mind all that jazz and sass.

-I'm a 5AAA.

-Lady, the last time you were a tri--tri-- Five tri--five tri-- You see what happens?

You got me so upset, the gums locked!

(laughing) (applause) Last time you wore a 5AAA, lady, was in baby booties, what do you think of that?

-I happen to have tiny feet.

-Oh, tiny feet.

Last time I saw a foot like yours, a bear was attached to it.

-I ought to slap your face!

-Oh, I want you to.

Go ahead, lady, go ahead, slap me.

Why don't you kick with those feet?

-How can you lose?

-Why, I never!

(Rudy) Why--why--why, I never!

That's good, now you're a duck going upriver!

Why--why--why--why!

-You dummy, what do you know?

-Rudy, what's going on out there?

(customer) Oh, now you're going to get it.

Oh, boy, now you're going to get it, you fresh thing!

(Rudy) You like this, huh, you vicious woman?

You vicious woman, you like this, huh?

Waiting for the slaughter, huh?

All the time you make out you're the strait-laced woman.

Boo-boo-boo-doo, skippin' through the park with a jelly apple, huh?

I know underneath all that.

I know you, lady, underneath all that.

You're rotten!

It's poison underneath all that!

You like to get around and have your husband walk around going, "Whipper, whipper, ya, ya!"

You sick broad, you ought to be put away!

(customer) I've never been so insulted in my whole life!

You know what you can do with your shoes?

-I'm going to get out of here.

-That's right.

(customer) I've never been so insulted!

(Rudy) I hope you get out of here, lady.

I hope you go to an Army-Navy store, you hear that?

I hope you wind up with pontoons on your feet!

You're an old lady!

I hope you swell up and, oh, get all kinds of boils on your neck!

I can't take it anymore!

Why?

Why me?

I dream someday the whole world will be overthrown by dummy broads like this!

I am a genius, I--I--I... (applause) O--okay, okay, Mr. Fonsworth.

No lectures, just pay me off and I'll go quiet.

(Mr. Fonsworth) I don't often lose my temper, but you have driven me to distraction.

Rudolph Mackenzie, you're fired!

(Rudy) Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah, well, that's just fine with me because I want to tell you something, Mr. Fonsworth.

Let me put it to you another way.

I never liked this place, Mr. Fonsworth.

Oh, no, I never liked it.

In fact, I'll put it to you a better way: I hate you, Mr. Fonsworth.

Oh, yes.

I hate you.

-I hate your flower.

-Savage.

(Rudy) That flower that keeps walking around.

I'll give you savage.

Where does it say he has the line "savage"?

(laughing, applause) I hate you, Mr. Fon, I hate those slimy, clammy, ooky-gooky hands that keep wiping off like I'm your napkin!

I'm fed up with you, Fonsworth!

I hate your guts!

What do you think of that?

I hate the way your nose quivers when I talk to ya and the way your head comes up.

I want to wish ya a little pimple right over there!

I don't like you!

I'm gonna tear your sissy jacket!

That's what I'm fed up with, Mr. Fonsworth.

I hope the whole world goes barefooted and you're running around on seashells going, "It hurts, it hurts!"

What do you think of that?

Because you're a dummy old man and you ought to be put away!

And I'll tell you another thing, Mr. Fonsworth, the left side of your cheek is starting to go!

(applause) You know, actually, he's rather sweet.

Well, now what do you want?

(Rudy) Could I have a letter of reference?

(horn music) ♪ ♪ (announcer) The first half of The Carol Burnett Show has been brought to you by: Colgate 100, the mouthwash for lovers.

♪ (lilting music) ♪ (Harry) There are eight million alleys in this city.

This is the story of one of them: Tin Pan Alley.

The mecca of the music business.

I've spent my whole life on that street.

That's my office over there.

I'm Harry Familiar, and anybody on this street can tell you, I've had my share of hits, and I've had my share of flops too.

(piano music) There are two of them right now.

Flop number one: Melvin Potts.

Part-time songwriter and full-time dummy.

Melvin believes he has a great talent.

He also believes the sky is falling.

So much for Melvin.

Flop number two: Phoebe Panz.

Some people are lucky to be born with talent.

Some people are lucky to be born with beauty.

She was lucky to be born.

And that's what was waiting for me when I walked into my office that morning.

(singing) -Are you with her?

-No.

(Harry) You get two points for taste.

-What do you want?

-I've written this song.

-Let me hear it.

-It's a great song.

-Let me hear it.

-You're gonna love it.

-Let me hear it.

-The best thing I've ever done.

-Let me hear it.

-You're a little too anxious.

(Harry) Will you get over to that piano?

Dummy guy, hurry it up.

-Okay, you ready?

-No, I'm waiting for a bus.

Hurry up.

(lively music) (Melvin) ♪ Happy ♪ ♪ Happy ♪ ♪ Happy ♪ ♪ That's what I am ♪ (scat singing) ♪ Happy ♪ ♪ Happy ♪ ♪ Happy ♪ ♪ That's what I am ♪ (scat singing) ♪ Sad ♪ ♪ Not I ♪ ♪ Glad ♪ ♪ And here is why ♪ ♪ I'm happy ♪ ♪ Happy ♪ ♪ Happy ♪ ♪ That's what I am ♪ (scat singing) Well?

(Harry) Out.

-What?

-Out!

-Out?

-Get out!

-All right, okay.

-Out!

-Okay, I'm going, I'm going.

-Out!

-All right!

-Out!

-All right!

-Out!

Is he gone?

Out!

(laughing) Mm, what are--what are you doing here?

Oh, oh, oh.

Good, good, good, I get it now, I get it.

He's the ventriloquist and you're the dummy.

You're a great songwriter and you've got a good song for me to hear.

Well, get over to the piano!

Well!

That's catchy.

You got another tune?

Will you play?

Hurry up.

(gentle piano music) (Phoebe) ♪ When we're together ♪ ♪ Don't mind the weather ♪ ♪ Never blue ♪ ♪ When I'm with you ♪ ♪ When you are near me ♪ ♪ You always cheer me ♪ ♪ ♪ All the time ♪ ♪ You make my life sublime ♪ (Harry) I really need this.

Here, kid, blow your nose.

(honking) You can keep it.

(laughing) Will you please pull yourself together?

I'll go get a glass of water.

(door closing) (crying) (Melvin) I don't want him to steal this.

(Phoebe) Oh, wait a minute.

You know, I like the song you played.

I thought it had a lot of depth.

(Melvin) Well, thanks a lot, I kind of like that little thing you were doing too.

(Phoebe) Oh, gee, thanks.

You know, I liked it in your part when it went... ♪ (Melvin) Yeah, so then you went, uh... ♪ (Phoebe) And then you went... (Melvin) Yes, and then you went... (Phoebe) Yeah.

And then you went... (Melvin) And then you went... -What is that you're playing?

-We were just admiring each other's songs.

-Go on, go on.

-Oh, well, she went... ♪ (Harry) Wait a minute, sing the words too, huh, dummy?

-Sing?

-Sing the words.

(Melvin) All right.

(upbeat music) -♪ Happy ♪ -♪ When we're together ♪ -♪ Happy ♪ -♪ Don't mind the weather ♪ -♪ Happy ♪ -♪ Never blue ♪ -♪ That's what I am ♪ -♪ When I'm with you ♪ (Harry) A little brighter.

-♪ Happy ♪ -♪ When you are near me ♪ -♪ Happy ♪ -♪ You always cheer me ♪ -♪ Happy ♪ -♪ All the time ♪ (Melvin) ♪ That's what I am ♪ (Phoebe) ♪ You make my life sublime ♪ ♪ When you're not with me, I don't laugh ♪ (Melvin) ♪ Not I ♪ (Phoebe) ♪ You have been called my better half ♪ (Melvin) ♪ And here is why ♪ -♪ Happy ♪ -♪ With all your kisses ♪ -♪ Happy ♪ -♪ I know what bliss is ♪ -♪ Happy ♪ -♪ From now on ♪ (Melvin) ♪ That's what I am ♪ (Phoebe) ♪ My tears are gone ♪ (applause) That's how teams are born.

(telephone ringing) The telephone.

(laughing) Hello?

Oh, hi, Mr. Flofeld.

It's Ziggy Flofeld, the world-famous producer.

Yes, Mr. Flofeld, what can I do for you, sir?

Have I got a song for the Happy When We're Together spot in your new show?

I got a terrific song, it's called "Happy When We're Together."

Yeah.

There's a spot in the show open?

Terrific.

I'll have the song over to you tomorrow, Mr. Flofeld.

Take care.

(clanking) (laughing) (thudding) (applause) All right, kids, sign these.

-Contracts!

Contracts!

-Contracts!

(Harry) This is your ticket to the big time.

Now I want you both to go home and write the same hit song you just wrote now.

-Okay, yeah.

-Write another one, write it and make it big, huh?

'Cause I'm gonna make this team bigger than Gilbert and Sullivan, you hear me?

Bigger than Gilbert and Sullivan.

Your names are gonna be household words.

From now on, everybody will be talking about... -Melvin Potts.

-Phoebe Panz.

(Harry) Potts and Panz.

Potts and Panz?

(melancholy music) And that's how it started.

Within a week, all of show biz was talking about Potts and Panz.

(lively music) ♪ Pretty soon, they were writing songs for all the big revues.

Remember Kissy Face?

(ensemble) ♪ Kissy face ♪ ♪ You've got the greatest little kissy face ♪ (Harry) And then there was Hitchy Kitchy.

(ensemble) ♪ Hitchy, hitchy, hitchy, hitchy, hitchy, kitchy-kitch ♪ (Harry) What about Yip-Yip Yap-Yap?

(ensemble) ♪ Yip-yip, yap-yap, yip-yip, yap-yap ♪ ♪ Yip-yip, yap-yap, yip ♪ (Harry) And, of course, the immortal Hitchy Kitchy Yip-Yip Yap-Yap.

(ensemble) ♪ Hitchy kitchy, hitchy kitchy, yip-yip, yap-yap ♪ ♪ I love you ♪ (Harry) Finally, the great Ziggy Flofeld himself signed 'em to write a whole show for him and his star, Miss Blanche Ducane.

(somber music) ♪ (Phoebe) ♪ Purple passion ♪ (Melvin) ♪ Lips on fire ♪ (Phoebe) ♪ Bodies yearning ♪ (Melvin) ♪ With desire ♪ (Phoebe) ♪ Gypsy moonlight ♪ (Melvin) ♪ On a June night ♪ (Phoebe) ♪ If you're willing ♪ (Melvin) ♪ I'll be killing you with passion ♪ ♪ (Phoebe) ♪ Purple passion ♪ (Melvin) ♪ Purple passion ♪ Well, what do you think of it?

-What do I think of it?

-Yeah.

-I think it's terrific!

-Yeah!

(Harry) Yes, sir!

I think that song is so terrific, and I know Blanche Ducane will love it.

And you know what?

She's the biggest star on Broadway, and if she loves it, you know you're in.

And I don't have to tell you about Ziggy Flofeld.

(Phoebe) Who's Ziggy Flofeld?

(Harry) I said I didn't have to tell ya.

(knocking) Hm, a knock on the door.

-Hm.

-Me?

-Be nice.

-Okay.

(Harry) Miss Ducane.

Mr. Flofeld.

(applause) What an honor.

May I present the new songwriting team Potts and Panz.

(Blanche) Hello, boys.

(Melvin) Oh... -Hello.

-Oh, Ziggy, the boy is brilliant.

He's got everything it takes.

(Ziggy) And she'll take everything he's got.

(Harry) Hysterical, Ziggy, hysterical.

(Ziggy) Mr.

Familiar, you breed contempt.

(Harry) Beautiful, Ziggy... (grunting) (Ziggy) And, um, you, liebchen, what is your name?

-Phoebe Panz.

-Well, let's hope little Phoebe pans out.

That was funny, dummy.

(laughing) (Harry) Gee, Ziggy, what do you say you listen to the kids, huh?

They wrote some great songs.

(Blanche) It's great.

I'll try it out tonight at Tony Pastor's.

You'll be my guest.

Now, let's rehearse.

(Phoebe) Oh, that's a terrific idea, let's rehearse.

-At my place.

-Well, you're the star.

Whatever you say.

I'll just get my things and then we can rehearse, and then, later, we'll all go to Tony Pastor's together.

-They've gone.

-Let them go.

It's better this way.

-For who?

-For them, dummy.

(Ziggy) Even an idiot can see that you love him.

-She loves him?

-Or maybe an idiot can't see it, but I can.

Look, Blanche has done this to a thousand different men.

-She picks them up... -And then she drops them?

(Ziggy) No, she keeps them.

But this time, maybe it'll be different.

Look, I hate--I hate to leave you alone at a time like this.

(Phoebe) Oh, that's all right.

You're awfully kind, Mr. Flofeld, but there's no need to be concerned about me.

I accept, I--I even welcome Melvin's deep and profound love for the beautiful Miss Ducane.

After all, love is where you find it.

It's a many splendored thing.

A bluebird of happiness flew into his life, and everything's coming up roses.

(laughing) But as for me, I'll get along without him very well.

Of course I will.

(laughing) (Ziggy) Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

(Phoebe) Would you take me to Tony Pastor's tonight?

(Ziggy) No, it's not a good idea, Phoebe.

(Phoebe) Oh, but at least I'll know what's happening between them.

(Ziggy) No, no, no, Phoebe, it's better if you didn't go.

(Phoebe) If you take me, I'll pay the check.

-It's a deal.

-Come on.

(lively music) (applause) ♪ ♪ (Ziggy) Right here, my darling.

This is divine.

This will be lovely, Raoul.

I believe we'll have some champagne, some Dom DeLuise 1904.

(laughing) -Mr. Flofeld?

-Yes, darling.

(Phoebe) Look who's sitting at the next table.

(Ziggy) Oh.

Oh, Phoebe, I'm sorry, darling.

Here, here.

Blow your nose.

(honking) No, you can keep it.

I didn't realize we'd be sitting so close to them, Phoebe.

Would you prefer if we moved to another table?

(Phoebe) No, thank you, Mr. Flofeld.

Really, I couldn't care less.

I'm all over him.

(Ziggy) Looks to me like she's all over him.

Please, Phoebe.

Here, have some champagne.

It'll make you feel better.

(Phoebe) No, thank you, I don't drink.

(Ziggy) Please, Phoebe, stop.

-You're making a scene.

-I can't help it.

(crying) (Ziggy) Shh, there's people drinking here.

(Melvin) Phoebe, Phoebe.

She really likes the song.

-Does she, Melvin?

-Yeah.

(Phoebe) Gee, when do we go to work?

(Melvin) We?

No, wait a minute, I just realized something.

-What?

-She never mentioned you.

(Phoebe) Gee, do you think maybe it was just an oversight?

(Melvin) No.

Well, kid, I'll see you soon, baby.

(Phoebe) But--but we're a team (Melvin) Keep writing.

Don't forget you're beautiful, honey.

See ya.

-Mr. Flofeld?

-Yes.

(Phoebe) I think I'll have that drink now.

But just a sip.

(laughing) (drumroll) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Tony Pastor's is proud to present their special guest star for tonight, the toast of Broadway, Miss Blanche Ducane.

(fanfare music) (Blanche) Oh my goodness, I--I had no idea I was going to be called upon to perform tonight.

Oh, but I'm glad, glad that I was!

Would you please give this to the orchestra?

It gives me a special opportunity to introduce a wonderful, new song that was written especially just for me by that brilliant, brilliant new songwriting team Melvin Potts.

Maestro?

(majestic music) ♪ (ensemble) ♪ All you men are little babies at heart ♪ (Blanche) ♪ You need protection, guidance, and affection ♪ (ensemble) ♪ Even though you think you're grown-up and smart ♪ (Blanche) ♪ You only seem secure, but deep inside you're immature ♪ ♪ All you little boys have gone astray ♪ (ensemble) ♪ Every baby no good ♪ (Blanche) ♪ Listen to what Mama has to say ♪ (ensemble) ♪ And listen good ♪ (Blanche) ♪ You'd better listen to your mama when she tells you what to do ♪ (ensemble) ♪ 'Cause your mama knows best ♪ (Blanche) ♪ You'd better listen to your mama 'cause she knows what's right for you ♪ (ensemble) ♪ Yeah, your mama knows best ♪ (Blanche) ♪ And if you disobey your mama and go looking for fun ♪ ♪ You know you're bound to get in trouble, kid, so where do you run ♪ ♪ Well, if you're smart, you'll run to mama ♪ ♪ That's what I would suggest ♪ (ensemble) ♪ 'Cause your mama knows best ♪ ♪ (tapping) ♪ (cheering) ♪ (Blanche) ♪ You'd better listen to your mama when she tells you what to do ♪ (ensemble) ♪ 'Cause mama knows best ♪ (Blanche) ♪ You'd better listen to your mama 'cause she knows what's right for you ♪ (ensemble) ♪ Yeah, your mama knows best ♪ (Blanche) ♪ And if you disobey your mama and go looking for fun ♪ ♪ You know you're bound to get in trouble, kid, so where do you run ♪ ♪ Well, if you're smart, you'll run to mama ♪ ♪ That's what I would suggest ♪ ♪ 'Cause your mama knows ♪ (ensemble) ♪ Yeah, your mama knows ♪ (Blanche) ♪ Who's been a humming on the honeysuckle vine ♪ ♪ Baby's little mama knows best ♪ (ensemble) Yeah!

(applause) ♪ Wonderful, wonderful, that was just wonderful, Blanche.

A great star, ladies and gentlemen, and a great song!

Tony Pastor's is doubly honored tonight because sitting at another table is the internationally famous producer, Ziggy Flofeld!

Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Flofeld.

(fanfare music) Who's the girl with you, Ziggy?

(Ziggy) What girl?

(Phoebe) Phoebe Panz is the name and music is my game.

(host) Music, huh?

Well, maybe we can get the little lady to sing us a tune.

-Bring out the piano.

-No, no!

No, no, no!

No, listen, she's too shy.

(Phoebe) Yeah, I'm the shyest chick in town.

(Melvin) Phoebe, Phoebe!

(Phoebe) Don't Phoebe "moebe."

I've got a song inside of me and it's gonna come out.

(hiccups) (laughing) Where's the orchestra?

-Hiya, fellas!

-Hiya, Phoebe!

(Phoebe) You know anything?

-Yeah.

-Then play it.

(piano music) ♪ (laughing) ♪ I had me a man once ♪ ♪ Who made my life rough ♪ ♪ Once he had me ♪ ♪ ♪ I had me a man once ♪ ♪ And once was enough ♪ ♪ Once he had me ♪ ♪ ♪ No one would say he was handsome or bright ♪ ♪ 'Cause he wasn't ♪ ♪ ♪ Yet night after day ♪ ♪ I keep pining away ♪ ♪ ♪ Over him ♪ ♪ (dissonant chords) (minor chords) ♪ Oh, that man ♪ ♪ He got away with things that used to make me cry ♪ ♪ When he'd greet me, he would beat me ♪ ♪ Then he'd laugh and say goodbye ♪ ♪ But I love him ♪ ♪ I'm funny that way ♪ ♪ ♪ Other men have tried to hurt me ♪ ♪ But they never could get through ♪ ♪ With a slap he made me happy ♪ ♪ Eyes were red, but skies were blue ♪ ♪ And I need him ♪ ♪ I'm funny that way ♪ ♪ ♪ Then we had a spat ♪ ♪ That's when that no-good rat ♪ ♪ He turned and took his hat ♪ ♪ And then he kicked the cat ♪ ♪ And then he left me flat ♪ ♪ While I just sat and sat ♪ ♪ I thought that that was that ♪ ♪ But no ♪ ♪ No ♪ ♪ Oh, that man ♪ ♪ That no-good man ♪ ♪ That no-good man of mine ♪ ♪ If he ever shows his face again, then life would be divine ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm crazy ♪ ♪ I'm crazy for him ♪ ♪ So I say ♪ ♪ If he walked through that door tonight, my life would be complete ♪ ♪ I'd say beat me, daddy ♪ ♪ Knock me off my feet ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm funny ♪ ♪ ♪ I'm funny that way ♪ ♪ (applause) (whistling) (lively music) ♪ (Harry) A lot of lives were changed that night.

Phoebe was such a sensation that Tony Pastor himself signed her on the spot for long-term singing.

As for Melvin, he had a funny feeling Phoebe had changed.

But Blanche gave him no time to think about it.

She decided to take him in hand and make him, among other things, her own personal composer.

Although she hid it brilliantly, Melvin's departure hurt her deeply.

Despite her many admirers and newfound career, she was only half a woman.

At least that part hadn't changed.

(melancholy music) ♪ (Blanche) All right, now, Melvin, darling.

This is the moment that you've been working for for months.

Well, Melvin, darling, we're all dying to hear your brilliant new score.

These gentlemen are the angels who are going to back your show.

(Melvin) I see, well... (male speaker) Shut up and play.

(Melvin) Some angels.

If you fellas feel like it, just jump right in, okay?

Excuse me.

Well, here we go.

(upbeat music) ♪ Just when things are getting something, something, something ♪ ♪ That's when I'll be coming back to you ♪ ♪ And just when skies are looking something, something, something ♪ ♪ That's the way I want to be ♪ (cracking) (Harry) Melvin's efforts were received half-heartedly, but then again, he had only written half a score.

Working without his long-time partner, Phoebe, was a bigger adjustment than he was able to make.

From then on, things didn't go so well for him.

He dropped out of sight completely.

(dramatic music) So did Blanche for that matter.

(slide whistle descending) (melancholy music) As for little Phoebe, she went on to become the greatest nightclub singer in the world.

She still carried the torch for her one true love, Melvin Potts.

♪ (crying) ♪ I know you're all dying to know what happened to me.

Well, the years brought me closer and closer to Phoebe and Ziggy.

We became inseparable.

(horse hooves clopping) (sighing) Well, where are we going now?

(Ziggy) We are going to get a bite to eat.

(Harry) Great idea, Ziggy, I'm starved.

(Ziggy) Mr.

Familiar, we are we.

(Harry) Beautiful, Ziggy, beautiful.

I don't have to tell you what a great team you two make.

(Ziggy) Shh!

Never mention teams around Phoebe.

(Phoebe) It's all right, Ziggy.

Melvin's gone and it's done.

What's gone is done, what's done is gone.

I didn't go out and get a gun when he done gone and did what he did, did I?

No, I've gone on and done what I've gone on to do, doing it as he would've done it if he hadn't gone and done it.

(Ziggy) I knew you were gonna say that.

(Melvin) ♪ Happy when we're together ♪ ♪ Happy, all kinds of weather ♪ -Hey, hey.

-♪ Happy ♪ (Phoebe) Hey, here.

(clinking) -There.

-Thank you, lady.

(Phoebe) Beat it.

(Melvin) ♪ Happy when we're together ♪ (Phoebe) You know, that's a catchy tune.

(Ziggy) You must have frozen eardrums.

(Phoebe) You know, that voice is familiar.

Do you think it could be... Hey, you bum.

Ziggy, catch him, he's fainting.

(dramatic music) (Ziggy) The voice isn't familiar, but those eyes are.

I've seen them somewhere before.

(Harry) I wonder if it could be... (Phoebe) Wait a minute.

Let me unravel him.

♪ No, it's not him.

(laughing) (crunching) (jazz music) (applause) ♪ (piano music) ♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say so long ♪ Goodnight.

(theme music) ♪ (applause) ♪ (drumroll) (horn music) ♪ (applause) (bright music)