♪ ♪ ALPHY: I am always here to serve and to listen.

GEORDIE: The good Reverend Love 'Em and Leave 'Em.

I want to find someone, like you found Cathy.

♪ ♪ Help!

Please!

GEORDIE: Everyone who witnessed a murder today, hands up.

CATHY: Deep, dark secrets.

We all have those.

ALPHY: There is something else you should know.

What is this?

ALPHY: This is who I am.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (thunder cracks) (whimpers) (click) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (film camera whirring) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (whirring fades, children laughing in background) ♪ ♪ (crowd cheers and applauds) ALPHY: I want you to keep it clean.

No kicking, no biting, and absolutely no bad language.

Are we understood?

On your marks, get set... Go!

DORA: Watch out, Dad!

CATHY: Oh, oh!

Christ on a bike.

It's like Friday night in the cells.

(chuckles) They're kids, Geordie.

I see one!

I see an egg!

For the most part, anyway.

(Geordie chuckles) Look at all this.

Isn't it wonderful?

It is wonderful.

You did this, Alphy.

(Mrs. Chapman exclaims) With an awful lot of help.

Modest to a fault.

GEORDIE: Aye, aye.

Isn't that the girl?

Ooh, what girl?

Oh, don't look.

No, I said don't look.

GEORDIE: Ah, she's waving.

Didn't work out, then?

We didn't have much in common.

Shame-- good sturdy hips.

Make nice babies.

Oh, it was one drink.

Mm-hmm.

And I was nothing but gentlemanly.

I've got a nickname for him.

LEONARD: Oh, tell us.

Please don't tell them.

The good Reverend Love 'Em and Leave 'Em.

Ooh!

LEONARD: Very good, I like it!

I'm not that bad.

(others murmur and chuckle) Rosa from the Eagle.

Okay, so there was Rosa.

GEORDIE: Lilian.

From the station.

We went to the cinema-- once.

Uh, there was the redhead.

(chuckles) Okay, that was just a brief, uh...

Fling?

Dalliance.

Mistake.

(chuckles): I'm not that bad, okay?

Morning, Reverend!

Oh, morning!

How are we?

(chuckles) Good morning.

ALL: Morning!

(children laughing) Mm-hmm.

Oh... (Jack chuckling) The end is nigh!

The end is nigh!

♪ ♪ It's an hijacking.

That's what this is.

Easter has been hijacked by the devil incarnate.

(chuckles): Morning, Reg, how are we?

How are we?

Doomed to hellfire for all eternity, that's how we are.

No donkey ride for you, then?

You know what Easter was when I was a child?

You were there when they rolled the stone away, weren't you?

Wake up, pray.

Church, pray.

Home... Pray?

None of this fiddle-faddle.

(children laughing) ALPHY: They're just having fun, Reg.

What's the sacrifice of our good Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, got to do with fun?

What's it got to do with bonnets and eggs and bunnies?

This country has gone to the dogs-- you know why?

Is it the bunnies?

We don't know who we are anymore.

Used to be we were God-fearing.

Rule-abiding.

Dignified.

(chuckles) BOY: Got one!

(children cheering) Children would be seen and not heard.

Not flouncing around, screaming blue murder.

But look.

They're here, Reg.

They're coming to church.

That's got to be a good thing, hasn't it?

Oh, so you'll be telling them all about Jesus, will you?

Of course.

Nails in the hands?

The suffering?

Maybe not so much emphasis on the suffering.

Reg, why don't you come to the service?

I'd love you to be there.

Until Easter is celebrated in the solemnity it deserves, I will not step foot inside that church!

Ah.

Milk?

Two sugars?

And a biscuit, if you can stretch to it.

(chuckles): Hey, I can do better than that.

Hm?

(muttering): Fiddle-faddle.

Here he is, my big silly bunny.

You know my misgivings about this, Mavis.

Oh, keep it on, Reg.

He looks ever so sweet-- doesn't he look sweet?

Very sweet.

Hope he hasn't been bending your ear, Vicar.

(chuckling): Not at all.

Enjoy yourselves.

Oh, come here.

He's a very good listener, you know.

ALPHY: Yeah?

(grunts) Yeah-- okay, let's go.

♪ ♪ (panting) ♪ ♪ (people talking, laughing in background) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (people cheering) (Leonard laughing) Ooh!

(snarls) Hey, hey, hey!

(laughing) (people exclaiming in background) (people cheering and applauding) JACK: Come on, Alphy.

You're going to be last!

(chuckling): All right, Jack.

(church bells ringing) ALPHY: Welcome to our inaugural Easter family service.

The first of many, I hope.

When the disciples went to the tomb early that Easter Sunday morning, they expected to mourn for their friend.

But he was gone.

And the angels told them, "Jesus is risen."

He loved us so much that he lived and died for us.

Is there any greater love than that?

I am so blessed to be able to share that love with you... Shh.

...in our beautiful church.

(softly): Didn't say anything.

But you was going to.

(man clears throat softly) Shh.

ALPHY: To be able to share my first year in Grantchester with so many wonderful people.

Know that I am always here to serve, to advise, and to listen.

I am in the midst of an existential crisis.

Okay-- any idea what set that off?

The hat.

A computer has stolen my job.

A, a what?

Do you know how many days I spent on this hat?

Five.

Do you know how many days she spent on that hat?

Five?

It's the size of the staff room.

The hat?

The computer.

Used to be, I was trusted with the payroll.

Now the computer does it.

I loved doing the payroll.

She hated doing the payroll.

I said to her, "Cath, times change."

Did she listen to me?

I have been replaced by a machine.

Course she didn't.

LEONARD: Daniel is about to make the biggest mistake of his life.

MRS. CHAPMAN: I'm just so... ...completely over the moon.

I've done it, Alphy.

I've arranged to meet my parents.

The parents who shunned him-- mark my words, families never bring happiness.

I'm so happy.

I can't tell you how happy I am.

I am... ...bored!

I am bored with myself, Alphy.

I am a boring person.

GEORDIE: Am I boring?

Lovely service.

Thank you.

You are many things.

But you're not boring.

Thank you, Vicar.

Give my regards to Reg.

Will do.

No one listens to me anymore.

Mm?

Mm, not Cathy, not Larry.

Certainly not the kids.

Not even you, apparently.

Thank you for coming.

SARAH: Wouldn't miss it for the world.

(people talking in background) Don't start.

(clears throat) Oh, I'm all for it.

Hi.

Fling away.

Fling away till you're all flung out.

If that's what you want, of course.

(inhales): Is that what you want?

(gun fires, people gasp and exclaim) ♪ ♪ Everyone, stay back.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (Mavis gasps) (cries) Reg-- my Reggie!

(sobbing) ♪ ♪ GEORDIE: Just like that fella of yours.

ALPHY: What fella?

Jesus.

I'd say there's zero chance Reg is rising again.

Did he seem depressed to you?

Suicidal?

Short-tempered, maybe, but depressed?

Then again, he does have a sign saying "the end is nigh," so... GEORDIE: Doesn't imply he was full of the joys of spring.

No.

They only got engaged a few months back.

It's quite a cheery thing to do.

Nice girl?

Very.

But?

But he...

He was such a gloomy man and she's a...

Bit of a floozy.

Geordie, you can't say that.

Well, what do you know?

I just did.

Aye, aye.

Bullet casing.

Well, that's to be expected, isn't it?

For a suicide, one is.

Two, on the other hand... ♪ ♪ (sobbing) (typewriters clacking, people talking in background) (blows nose) Keep it, please.

(giggling, gasps): Oh!

Sorry, we were just, um...

The, the table has been a bit wobbly.

Yes.

Much better now, though-- thank you, Detective.

Ah, you stay where I can see you.

(telephone ringing in background) Oh, please, take a seat at our newly fixed table.

(voice trembling): I don't think they were fixing the table.

Now... About your fella, Reg.

He was my fiancé.

Your fiancé?

It's French.

I know.

And I loved him very much.

He was a wonderful man.

He was dismal as sin.

See a rainbow, he'd notice the clouds.

But for all that, I adored him.

We were just so... Kindred spirits?

Was he always unhappy?

Always.

So, him taking his own life...

I worried it might happen one day.

(exhales) But so soon before the wedding?

LARRY: How did he propose, out of interest?

Down on one knee?

MAVIS: Oh, no, his knees weren't up to much.

GEORDIE: Uh, thing is, Mavis, we're not entirely sure it is suicide.

What else could it be?

No.

No one would want to hurt Reg.

(breathes deeply) No.

You were having a rather animated conversation with him.

Before the service.

He was in one of his moods.

So I said to him, "Reg, go to the doctor's.

"Talk to someone.

Get some help."

(exhales) Did he listen?

No.

LARRY: So the proposal, was it a grand gesture, or...

Sorry.

Carry on.

(sniffles, whimpering) (whispering) My office.

(telephone ringing, people talking in background) Should I bring my notepad?

No?

I think we need to have a little chat, don't you?

About what?

(Alphy chuckles) Just admit it before he explodes.

I thought we were being quite discreet.

Quite discreet?

Everyone knows.

Even the criminals.

Seeing as... (sighs) ...can't believe I'm uttering these words-- you can't control yourselves around each other... We can control ourselves, can't we?

Have a little respect!

For yourselves.

For me.

For the criminals.

(softly): Yes, boss.

(softly): Understood.

Background on Reg-- quick smart, please.

Reginald James Wait.

Date of birth, 23rd of the third, 1901.

Made a name for himself in Bakelite.

He's loaded, apparently.

MISS SCOTT: Next of kin, his sister, is a Miss Eliza Wait of Trumpington.

And I made you a cup of tea-- milk, no sugar.

Bring her in, then-- the sister.

LARRY: She's in reception.

We were about to tell you.

Before you started with all the crossness.

The table really was on the wonk... Out!

♪ ♪ That's him.

GEORDIE: It's your brother?

Reginald Wait?

I was afraid he'd do this.

Was he always downbeat?

Mum called them his dark moods.

He was a war hero.

Did you know that?

Reg was?

Won the Military Cross for bravery.

Reg did?

Bravest man I ever met.

Then he just disappeared.

(tearfully): Why didn't you just come to me, Reggie?

My poor dear Reggie.

Right.

(steadily): Shall we make the arrangements?

Arrangements?

The paperwork and whatnot?

Paperwork?

For the funeral.

I always think it's best to be prompt with these things.

The police will have to conclude their investigation first.

And that'll take... What, a couple of days?

It'll take as long as it takes, Miss Wait.

Least he's with Mum and Dad now.

And Arthur.

(tearfully): Arthur was our golden retriever.

(sobs) Poor dear Reggie.

GEORDIE: Poor dear Reggie, my arse.

She'd put him out with the bins if she could.

Well, grief presents itself in odd ways.

Nah, she was fishy.

(brake engages, engine stops) ♪ ♪ Very nice.

Mm.

Reg has done well for himself.

♪ ♪ Yeah, everyone keeps saying he was depressed.

Maybe he did just kill himself.

Maybe.

OFFICER: Sir.

Maybe it's just that simple.

Maybe.

You're not buying it, are you?

Not for a second.

Well, Mavis was onto a winner with this fella.

ALPHY (remonstrating): Geordie.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ He watched the birds.

Mm.

Course he did.

He'd written a reminder to buy birdseed.

That doesn't fit with a man set on taking his own life, does it?

Oh, is that his Military Cross?

No, just regular service medals.

Well, if you won a Military Cross...

It would be up there, pride of place.

Something doesn't add up about any of this, does it?

Nope.

Fishy?

It's fishy.

JACK: Isn't it marvelous?

Would've preferred a new settee.

Our happiest memories preserved for all eternity on celluloid.

That's what the brain does, isn't it?

Preserve memories?

For free, too, mm-hmm.

(calling): Alphy?

(in distance): Where's that cable?

(calling): Uh, still looking, Jack!

He wants me to fire 'em.

Who does?

Mr. Draper!

He wants me to fire my girls.

Says they're redundant now we have the computer.

I'm ready to resign.

Do you think I should resign?

Uh, well, what does Geordie think?

He might have an informed opinion.

(laughs) Oh, you were serious.

ALPHY: Just ask him, Cathy.

(drawer closes) Or you could.

Save a few hours' bickering?

(Alphy murmurs) DORA: These aren't as good as Mum's sandwiches, at all!

Ooh, Alphy!

Leonard!

I was hoping you might be able to have a word with Daniel.

(drawer opens) (chuckles) Why don't you have a word with him?

I just think it might be better coming from you.

Mm, and why is that?

Because then I don't have to say it.

(drawer closes) Leonard... (phone ringing) (sighs): One second.

Vicarage.

LARRY (on phone): Is Geordie there?

It's Larry.

Yeah.

Geordie!

Larry?

(objects shifting) Larry, put Miss Scott down-- what you got for me?

(Larry speaking on phone) (aloud): Daniel's had so much turmoil in his life.

(drawers rattling loudly) I just-- I have a feeling this might tip him over the edge.

Just a sec.

(sighs): I can't hear a word!

Leonard, he's a grown man.

He's capable of making his own decisions.

GEORDIE: I can hear you now-- go ahead, Larry.

Jack, here we are.

Ah, perfect.

(murmurs) JACK: What are we looking for?

Reg, Mavis.

Anything untoward.

(projector whirring) Like you not giving my hat first prize!

Ah, there's Reg, looking alive and well.

MRS. CHAPMAN: Is that what I look like?

When did I get so many chins?!

ALPHY: And there he is with Mavis.

MRS. CHAPMAN: I'd keep my eye on that one if I were you-- she's a minx.

Hey, she loved Reg, Mrs. C. She loves a lot of men, if you gather my meaning.

How can we when you're just so incredibly subtle?

(Alphy chuckles) JACK: I knew him a little from the Rotary Club.

(sighs): He was lonely, poor chap.

He was also rich, Jack.

And she's a goer.

Always down The Cow and Calf, in the back room, playing billiards.

JACK: The absolute floozy!

Postmortem.

Single shot.

Bullet lodged in Reg's temporal lobe.

No temporal lobe talk when there's food on the table.

So where's the other bullet?

Good question, Leonard.

I thought so, too.

ALPHY: Hey, what's she doing?

(projector slowing) There, see?

♪ ♪ She's hiding something.

♪ ♪ (exhales): She was round about here.

Mm.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (exhales) ♪ ♪ (grunts) ♪ ♪ Why is she hiding a pocketknife?

♪ ♪ ALPHY: Geordie?

♪ ♪ ALPHY: Maybe he fired a warning shot.

Mm.

If you're gonna kill yourself, why fire a warning shot?

♪ ♪ (music playing, people talking in background) MAN: Go on, go on!

(laughing) Hey!

Come on, hand it over, fellas.

(murmurs) There you go.

(cackling) Don't know about you, but I reckon that's the most fun you can have with your knickers on.

You should know, Mavis.

Mm.

(music playing in background) GEORDIE (exhales): Ah.

Grief's taking its toll, I see.

♪ ♪ I'm devastated about Reg.

Yeah, we got that.

Well, what's the alternative?

Curl up in a ball?

Give up?

Two shots were fired, Mavis.

I never heard two shots.

Did you hear two shots?

She does have a point.

GEORDIE: Why'd you hide this?

I was...

I was worried he'd do himself a mischief, so I took it off him.

"S.J."

Who's S.J.?

I've no idea.

You loved Reg.

Yes.

GEORDIE: "The end is nigh" Reg?

We'd snuggle up, drink tea.

It wasn't sex or glamour.

I'd say.

But I've never felt more myself.

I've never had that feeling before.

He doesn't believe me.

I believe you.

Really?

Really?

I've done nothing wrong.

Well, apart from cavorting with that spivvy fella at the billiards.

Reg was the love of my life.

I never thought I deserved that.

I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have it.

(voice breaking): But he's gone.

(exhales) He's gone.

And I haven't got the luxury of hanging around.

(door opens) You really believe her?

Yeah-- why not?

She is no more the settling- down type than you are.

Well, people aren't types, Geordie.

They have emotions and feelings and... All right.

♪ ♪ Nothing happened.

We're off the clock.

All right.

Reg's service record.

Thank you.

Reginald Wait.

Second Battalion, Cambridgeshire Regiment.

Military Cross?

Military Cross.

Carried three injured men away from enemy fire.

Reg did?

Says it right here.

Birdwatching Reg?

Tea-drinking, devout Reg?

The gung-ho war hero?

Nothing is right about this.

Nothing's right about any of it.

(calling): Larry!

Task for you.

Got somewhere to be.

Sorry, boss.

(exhales) Miss Scott?

Off to the pictures with my beau.

That's me.

I'm her beau.

Those two are really starting to get on my nerves.

How about you?

Fancy a task?

Or you got a date tonight?

♪ ♪ Um, hello?

Hushed tones, please.

Sorry.

♪ ♪ Sorry?

You apologize an awful lot.

Yeah, I was just wondering if you could... No.

No?

You're in the wrong place.

I don't think so.

The meeting is next door.

I'm not here for the meeting.

Oh.

What are you here for?

Uh, it, it's police business.

I'm looking for any references to a Reginald Wait.

War almanacs, newspapers.

MEG: Here's your haystack.

Good luck finding that needle.

What was the meeting?

The meeting you thought I was going to?

Lonely Hearts Club.

(chuckles): You thought I looked like a lonely heart?

Well, you have a vaguely lonely quality about you.

Well, that's depressing.

Also, I assumed that you weren't here to borrow the latest potboiler.

Why not?

You don't look the bookish type.

I'm bookish.

I love books.

You love books?

Test me.

On books?

Mmm.

On all of literature?

Yep.

Have you read "War and Peace"?

Yes.

Liar.

I've read it.

I didn't say I enjoyed it.

The Bible?

Come on-- hundreds of times.

You?

Too much begetting and begatting for my liking.

Shame.

The begetting's the best bit.

I'm Alphy, by the way.

And I am leaving you to it, Reverend.

♪ ♪ "I love books."

(groans) LEONARD: Okay.

Let's just get down to brass tacks.

Reference to hardware.

Sounds serious.

No, it's not serious.

Well, it is a bit serious.

Let me guess-- my parents.

If you know something's going to end in disaster...

Which we don't.

What if they reject you again?

Then...

I'll be sad for a while.

And after that, I'll be fine.

It's very sweet of you, but...

It's my worry, not yours.

It is a little bit my worry, isn't it?

Because whatever happens to you, it, by proxy, happens to me.

I love you.

But it's not your concern, Leonard.

(muttering): Not my concern?

(phone ringing) Tea?

(phone continues) Lovely, thank you.

(muttering): Of course it's my bloody worry.

What?

JONES (on phone): Leonard Finch?

Yes, speaking.

This is Harold Jones-- I'm a solicitor.

It's with regard to your father.

Oh, Lord, what's he done now?

I'm afraid he's passed away, Mr. Finch.

Oh.

Oh!

JONES: It was a stroke.

Over very quickly.

Right.

So, I'll be needing to make funeral arrangements.

Uh, the funeral was last week.

Really?

Why wasn't I informed?

Your father made it clear he didn't want you there.

We have a few of his effects.

We've sent them on to you.

♪ ♪ Mr. Finch?

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Sorry.

You really need to stop apologizing.

I couldn't have your phone number, could I?

No.

Hmm, okay.

That's, uh, that's fair enough.

Do you want to know why?

(chuckles): You don't have to explain.

Because you'll take my number, and I'll become this annoying, mooning schoolgirl who sits around just waiting for you to call.

And you never will call, and then I'll be terribly sad.

(chuckles) Well, how about I promise to call?

What if you get run over or something?

That's not going to happen.

It might happen.

And then I'll become a bitter old spinster all because you never called.

That would be a shame.

It would.

♪ ♪ So no phone number, then?

(whispers): No.

♪ ♪ Stay out of trouble?

You didn't, did you?

In a library?

You sly old dog.

Reginald Wait, winner of the Military Cross.

(exhales) Only that's not Reg.

It's Martin Guerre.

Who?

It's a true story from the 16th century.

Martin goes to war, returns, settles back down with his wife.

Only it's not the same man.

He look familiar to you?

♪ ♪ Well, Christ on a bike.

(groans) (chuckles) (exhales) How about a game, Reg?

♪ ♪ ALPHY: We know you'd like this matter promptly settled, Miss Wait.

It's always best to be prompt.

Couldn't agree more.

If you could just do us one more favor.

Of course.

We're hoping you could identify your brother.

I already did that, didn't I?

She did already do that, Geordie.

Took a terrible toll, as it happens, seeing him like that.

Well... (exhales) Brace yourself.

(clears throat) Hello, Ellie.

ELIZA: You bugger!

You absolute bugger, Reg!

(Eliza grunting, Reg exclaiming) I'd say that's a positive I.D.

Positive might be stretching it.

(grunts, yelps continue) GEORDIE: That's enough, Miss Wait.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (breath trembles) ♪ ♪ (liquid sloshes) (sniffs gently) ♪ ♪ REG: We grew up strict.

It wasn't a life, it was a prison.

You remember how it was, Ellie.

ELIZA: Remember?

I was still living it while you were off gallivanting.

I went away to war.

I saw the world.

ELIZA: Drank your way around it, more like.

I got a taste, for life.

I couldn't go back.

Left the Army with just the suit they gave me.

Your demob suit.

Thought I recognized it.

Kept yours, did you?

They don't make 'em like that anymore.

So, you met this man and swapped identities?

Wasn't really that thought-through.

What was his name?

Were his initials S.J., by any chance?

Silas-- Silas Jennings.

He wasn't happy with his lot.

I wasn't happy with mine.

So he became Reg, and I became Silas.

And you left us all behind.

After a while, you forget the life you had, and you become someone else.

I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, if I were you.

You told us a dead stranger was your brother.

I just took advantage of a situation that presented itself.

A dead man on a slab.

Mum died recently.

The will was all tied up, waiting for Reggie to come back.

So you pronounce him dead and inherit the family fortune.

I deserve that money.

REG: I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of her mouth.

Just help me out here, Reg.

You say you had nothing to do with this man's death.

(exhales) Correct.

A dead man with your name, whose fiancée we saw you cavorting with.

Who your sister identified as you.

And you had nothing to do with it?

Happenstance.

That's a hell of a lot of happenstance.

Seems to me that's all you've got.

Go on, then, arrest me-- arrest both of us.

Take us to court.

All you've got is a handful of happenstance, and they'll let us go on reasonable doubt.

You know it.

And I know it.

Gentlemen.

♪ ♪ Eliza, you fusty old cow.

Rot in hell, Reg.

(chuckling) GEORDIE: They could be in on it together.

They hate each other's guts.

Mavis, on the other hand... Mavis was in the churchyard when the gun went off.

She's a nice woman.

Single and all.

If you're so inclined.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

Do what?

Make out like I'm some kind of lothario.

Oh, Alphy.

I think you're a handsome young man with an enviable head of hair who's having fun.

As long as it makes you happy.

I want to find someone.

Course you do.

Like you found Cathy.

Ah, thing is, Alphy, all the good stuff, all the meaningful stuff, that doesn't happen unless you stick around.

Love 'em but don't leave 'em.

You said it, not me.

Okay, here we go.

I know how strongly you feel, but my parents are getting on now, and I, I don't want to miss this chance to be... Go.

You should go.

I have more-- I have a whole speech.

No speech necessary.

What changed your mind?

Just a little perspective.

And a very large glass of whisky.

No, really.

What, what's happened?

You deserve happiness.

And your parents deserve forgiveness.

So... ALPHY: My number.

I figure this way, I do all the schoolgirl mooning, so you don't have to.

What if I never call?

What have I got to lose?

I don't know, your dignity?

Ah, dignity's overrated.

So I'll be at home.

Watching the phone, heart in my mouth.

I'm Margaret, by the way.

♪ ♪ Are you a Maggie?

A Meg?

A Margaret.

Until I'm sure I really like you.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ MAVIS: There he is.

My big silly bunny.

♪ ♪ (church bell tolling) (bell stops) ♪ ♪ Is that what my face looks like?

(door closes) You have a perfectly good face.

(inhales) Geordie.

Miss Scott.

(inhales) I'm so sorry about all the canoodling recently.

It's not the canoodling that bothers me.

You're better than most of the fellas out there.

Just... Show a little respect?

Some common courtesy wouldn't go amiss.

Won't happen again, sir.

Mm.

The last will and testament of Reginald Wait, formerly known as Silas Jennings.

Who's the lucky winner?

Last page.

Congratulations, Mavis.

She gets the house, the business.

And the rest.

Silas made a real name for himself.

Meanwhile, Reg has nothing to show for his life but that tatty old suit.

Oi!

Less of the tatty... ♪ ♪ (projector slowing) ♪ ♪ The suit.

The demob suit.

(door opens) ALPHY: Mavis knew who Silas was all along.

She really loved Silas.

She knew him better than anyone.

Reg was there.

Real Reg, I mean.

♪ ♪ ALPHY: It wasn't Martin Guerre.

It was "A Tale of Two Cities."

The wrong man died.

♪ ♪ You were there when Silas died, weren't you, Reg?

Who says?

A little bunny told him.

♪ ♪ (sighs) We used to sit here for hours.

Just the two of us.

Your "silly bunny."

(sighs) "Silly" was his nickname, short for Silas.

(crying) You never meant to kill him, did you?

No.

(birds chirping) Listen to that.

(birds chirping) I've never known peace like it.

You were the only ones who knew.

That Silas wasn't who he said he was.

He made a fortune.

All that money made him an appealing target.

That was my money-- made it off the back of my name.

That ate you up, didn't it?

He took your name and made something of himself.

You could never have done what he did.

He moved up in the world.

And you're still scrabbling for pennies in your demob suit.

ALPHY: So, you set up a honey trap.

Mavis would make a play for Silas.

GEORDIE: And it worked.

He fell for you.

He put you in the will.

You were set to inherit everything.

All you needed was for him to die.

Then you got to know him.

He was sweet to me.

ALPHY: You fell in love.

But Reg here wouldn't stop.

GEORDIE: He was determined to go ahead with the plan.

MAVIS (in flashback): Don't hurt him.

Please, just stop.

GEORDIE: And you decided you weren't gonna stand for it.

You were gonna kill Reg instead.

You stupid cow.

(girls giggling) (girls giggle) (church bell tolling) ALPHY: The church bells rang.

And you took your moment.

That's why no one heard the shot.

(gun fires in time with bell) (whimpers) ♪ ♪ (breath trembling) (crying) ♪ ♪ ALPHY: But you shot the wrong man.

♪ ♪ (crying) Well done, girl.

(grunts) Mavis, you get yourself to church, all right?

(grunts) I'll sort this out-- it'll be fine.

Oh.

Mavis, I'll have that and all.

Go on-- hide it.

♪ ♪ GEORDIE: And so Reg did sort it.

Gave you an alibi.

♪ ♪ (fires) (gasping, exclaiming) ♪ ♪ GEORDIE: When all along, that bullet was meant for you, Reg.

♪ ♪ You think he could love a worthless tart like you?

ALPHY: But he did love her.

That's the tragedy.

They could've been happy.

Some people aren't meant to be happy, I guess.

That's just the way it is.

She's never going to call, is she?

Just you and me, boy.

(whines) Come on.

(barks) (projector whirring) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (click) (phone ringing) LARRY (on phone): Body's been found.

GEORDIE: What's the conundrum?

LARRY: Reckon it's been staged.

ALDO: Science is built on verifiable data.

GEORDIE: Evidence leads theory.

ALPHY: Next time, we should bring a picnic.

MEG: Next time?

(laughing) ALPHY: If you want to.

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